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New Project

Soooo…..I think I’ve come up with a way to continue a version of this blog in a way that will be fun for all of us. I’m turning it into (for the moment) a repository for female dom and/or male submissive erotica. Queer erotica is entirely welcome as well. Basically, anything other than male dom/fem sub (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s already plenty of it floating around) will be considered. So, please submit your pornographies to me at delvingintodeviance@gmail.com. I shall peruse them and post the ones I find pleasing with some author-approved editing if needed, with full credit given to the author and links to their webpage if they have one. Hopefully this will result in fun readings for me and a platform for authors to gather an audience for their writing. I will also write when I feel inspired. Let the erotic project begin!

Kink and religion (III): How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

Dev:

In some ways it was the questioning of what I had been taught about sexuality that led me to kink. I realised that it wasn’t wrong to fall in love with a person just because they are of the same sex, and that made me wonder what else I had been taught would turn out to be wrong. This left me a lot more open-minded about uncommon sexual practices.

Specifically…I think I do probably enjoy Domming more because of what I’ve been through. It feels like conquering previous parts of myself. For example, when I was 14 I really wanted to french-kiss my then-boyfriend. But I couldn’t bring myself to even hint that this might be what I wanted. It had to be all his idea. I feel victorious in my ability to sexually aggress.

I don’t think religion gave me any specific kinks. My past just adds a bit of a transgressive charge to my kink life.

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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

John:

I don’t think my religion influenced the kink.  I remember from a very early age being fascinated with different things you could do to your man bits and experimenting with that. Then I think religion may have suppressed it for a while.  Growing up in a church..well, you know. Good church-going people don’t have those kinds of thoughts… god forbid.  Christianity will turn you into a eunuch, until you get married, then sex is OK.

It took me a very long time to realize that liking sex, in all forms, is not a bad thing and if god wanted me to be a sexless creature he should have not made women so damn sexy.
As far as the kink.. I think I came out of the womb as a pain slut as evidenced by my choice of endurance sports and the suffering required to be good at them.
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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

DD:

Since I got married young and started exploring kink within my marriage~ being into femdom at 19 didn’t cause any particular problems for me. It certainly startled my more conservative friends if I ever hinted at it in conversation.  Somehow a lot of these gals weren’t sure they were supposed to even like sex, never mind being enthusiastic about it or OMG, take charge!

I read about BDSM extensively but because I grew up listening to people telling me how I was supposed to do things and I learned how to sort what I valued from the rest of their nonsense, I felt free to pick and choose what I liked out of the kink basket as well. Tom Allen has mentioned that fundamentalists, when they be kinksters or Christians, all have the same attitude about their approach. It is true, and my experience with Christian fundamentalist prepared to handle the kinkster fundamentalists.

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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

tomio:

I think, primarily, it served as a brake on my sexual development. This would have been true even if I were sexually vanilla, though. The mixed messages – it’s bad and only bad people want/enjoy it, but it is good to share with your spouse – make it nearly impossible to have a healthy, functioning sense of sexuality. 

I think there is a possible link between the view of a loving and suffering God, as evidenced by Jesus’ sacrifice, and my understanding of love as being expressed through suffering for my partner. I remember a Sunday School lesson that discussed the various forms of torture Jesus endured on his way to the cross (not to mention actually being crucified) and the message that he suffered because of his love for each individual in the room – it wasn’t just a global thing for humanity, but a very individual thing. 

There is absolutely a link between the idea of a “good Christian” submitting their entire life to God and the complete surrender of power I have with Mistress Delila. Anything less than complete is simply a mockery. If I hold onto one tiny fraction of power; then I have not actually submitted at all. 

I think this line of thinking lays me at odds with the kink fundies who like to claim that a submissive actually “holds all the power” in a D/s relationship. And I guess I tend to deal with them the same way I’ve come to deal with religious fundies…tell them they are wrong and then ignore them. When they try to force their beliefs on me, I tend to get rather aggressive about defending myself, because I know they will not be satisfied until they own every part of me. 

My experience with religion also made me sensitive to the awesomeness of the mundane. For instance, the example of Jesus being born in a stable is often used to show how uncaring the world was/is. I see it as meaning that the incredible complexity of life in that stall shows how beautiful the world is…that the finest trappings of wealth and power simply cannot rise above the simple beauty of existence. That we exist is a thing of beauty (regardless of how one believes we got here). These incredible connections we describe as love are commonplace magic. The entire world can be found in the face of a child picking a dandelion. We are primarily spiritual beings caught for a time in a physical world…and for me, complete surrender allows me to transcend the mere physical bonds and unite with Mistress Delila on a purely spiritual level

Good, Giving, Game…and Dominant

Some of the comments on my previous entry inspired me to write this one. Tab remarked:

I completely agree on your point about being a Dom just being the leader, and that acts do not make the Dom. I’m a male dominant who enjoys being fucked, even by women. Most people who know this about me find it confusing, especially in the BDSM community.

Maybe one day we’ll get over this idea that fucking means in charge.

Femdom is very weird for me, as it seems most femdom stuff is still geared to be pleasing to the men. It’s rare you see a woman dominating to get what she wants out of something, it’s just fulfilling another male fantasy.

I know a couple where the male sub likes to be used as furniture and completely ignored by the woman. The woman does it, but actually finds it a bit boring. It’s always confused me, because surely if he’s a sub then that means he should want what SHE wants to do to him? Not this fucked up idea of how she’s supposed to treat him, just how he can please her.

When I read this I didn’t see anything particularly offensive about it, and liked hearing that a male dominant was embracing his love of being fucked. However, maymay brought this issue up:

I do want to point out that submission does not mean “he should want what SHE wants to do to him.” That may be a piece it for some people some of the time, but no one needs to make the mistake of believing submission is about sublimating a submissive person’s desires in favor of a dominant person’s, because then you’ve still just stolen the submissive person’s agency (regardless of their gender) by devaluing what they want and makes you more than a little bit of a stereotypical douche dom, and I won’t let anyone even remotely come close to doing that on a post that’s this good, like this one, without calling it out.

Tab then clarified what I assumed to be the case in the beginning:

You make a very good point, and I’m sorry if I came across that way. My story is a little close to home as I know the female partner really didn’t enjoy it, and being her friend I am very biased in her favour.

I personally find BDSM a time where both of you are trying to fulfil each others fantasies, so to have any sex where one person is uncomfortable is something I find distasteful. I get off on want- If someone doesn’t want me to do something or doesn’t want to do it to me I’m completely uninterested. I’m not in favour of sublimating a submissive person’s desire in favour of a doms, I’m in favour of everyone getting what they want, but never at the expense of the other person.

These comments bring up the important issue of how much a Dominant should be expected to respect the desires of their submissive. I am of the opinion that the submissive should not run the show, and this can easily become an issue between a female Dominant and male submissive because of the way the sexes are typically socialized. Dishevelled Domina expresses this sentiment well in her post, Power Exchange:

Guys, if your wife/girlfriend/roommate/landlady/boss/secretary/nurse/teacher, etc. etc. etc. is not dominating you the way you’ve seen it done in all those delightfully realistic porn movies, and then, one glorious day, you manage to talk her into dousing herself in baby powder and fighting her way into a tube of latex, or some other equally hideous getup that you’ve been fantasizing about, and then you have her spank you, assfuck you, and generally get you off exactly the way you pictured it, well,  ya know what?

You have all the power, and you are running the fuck. She is not dominating you.

If the supposed dominant is just doing everything that the supposed submissive wants and nothing more, I have trouble seeing how that could be considered domination. However, I do not think that we should then go to the other extreme and say that Dominants should not listen to their partners at all and should take no interest in their sexual fantasies and desires. In short, I think that one can be good, giving and game (GGG)…and still be Dominant. The concept of GGG was devised and popularized by Dan Savage who I highly recommend to any of my readers. As he summarizes,

GGG stands for “good, giving, and game,” which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think “good in bed,” “giving equal time and equal pleasure,” and “game for anything—within reason.”

Being Dominant doesn’t give you a get-out-of-GGG-free card. Let’s take anal sex as a personal example. My boyfriend loves penetrating women anally. When we got together, I had never experienced this before. My condition for previous, more vanilla, boyfriends had always been, “when you bend over and take something up your ass, I’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate”. This was not an empty statement in hopes to dissuade them from exploring my anus. I’ve wanted to fuck a guy up the ass since I was 18, and still a chastity-ring-wearing virgin. My fuck toy was more than willing to let me penetrate him once we became involved, and thus, I began considering returning the favor. We soon began experimenting with anal toys. At first it didn’t really do much for me, but was an interesting sensation that I was willing to keep on exploring for a bit. Then he put what I have dubbed ‘the Princess’ (see below) in me, and I started to see the light.

This toy was the beginning of my anal pleasure. With it, I discovered that I can   have g-spot orgasms through my ass; they are the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had. If I had let stubborn pride get in the way of sexual exploration, I would never have discovered this about myself. If I had felt like I couldn’t explore my submissive’s sexual interests just because they’re his, then I would have caused us both to miss out on experiences that increase our intimacy and bond. My sub now fucks me anally at my command. Luckily, his cock is just as good at stimulating my g-spot as this lovely toy. Being GGG pays off for everyone involved. However, if, after giving it a fair try (not just once), I was still not enjoying anal in the slightest, and found it painful and uncomfortable regardless of the implement used, then I would also have the right to cease doing that.

The next question is: would I have to stop fucking my sub up the ass if he really didn’t like it? Do I think that a submissive person’s desires should not be sublimated in favor of  Dom(me)’s? This is the trickier question in my mind. I enjoy my sub’s pain. I enjoy his distress. Furthermore, he enjoys it when I force him to do things that he does not enjoy. This gets into a rather confusing territory! Maymay does a good job of explaining this phenomena from the sub’s side.

I have raped FT before. This rape was consensual, but still not the same as the rape-play most people discuss where one person pretends not to want it while in reality they’re gagging for it. I have blanket consent to take FT when I want, where I want, and how I want, regardless of his desires in that moment. One day, I climbed on top of him and he asked me if he could go out for a cigarette. I said no. He said, “I’m seriously not in the mood, please let me go out for a cigarette”. I forced him down, sucked on his cock until it was hard enough for me to fuck, and then rode him until I was satisfied. He was a bit angry for a day or two, but in retrospect is hugely aroused  by this event (and secretly hopes it will happen again at some point). I don’t do this often, and would usually prefer that he want to do what I want to do. However, sometimes I just have an overwhelming urge to fuck him, will he, nil he, and then I plow forward. He consents to this, but will not always like it in the moment. It’s hard to make these kinds of judgements though. There’s a fine line between pushing just enough and pushing too far.

In conclusion, I think that both partners need to be GGG, but due to the nature of the relationship, the submissive will often be expected to be somewhat more GGG than the Dominant. In reality though, that statement is troublesome. The Dominant is fulfilling the submissive’s sexual desires by sublimating the submissive’s desires under the Dominant’s. FT gets off on doing whatever I want sexually even if he isn’t enjoying it in that moment. I shall call this the submissive paradox. Does it make him any less submissive because he’s getting his desires fulfilled in this way? No. It makes it a non-abusive relationship. Dom(me)s and subs exist symbiotically. They have different, but compatible, needs and wants that are fulfilled by each other. When this relationship ceases to be symbiotic – the Dom(me) stops listening to the sub altogether or the sub tries to have their way all the time – the balance is broken and the relationship ceases to be D/s.

The devaluation of male submission

Note: In this entry I will be speaking as if female domination and male submission occur only in heterosexual cisgendered pairings. This obviously isn’t the case, but for simplicity’s sake, that is what I’m addressing at the moment.

I recently received a comment on Deeply Deviant that was the final push I needed to persuade me to try to tackle the devaluation of submissive men. Here’s what was said:

I'm a 33 yr old submissive male.  I just wanted to
tell you how much I love your site, especially the
pics of your submissive boyfriend.... not because
I like looking at your sub boyfriend (I only like
girls), but because you take nude pics of him and
talk about his "beautiful boy curves".  It is very
inspiring to me, to see a dominant and "devious"
woman who is also, apparently in love with her sub
boyfriend and truly cares for him.  You take nude
pics of your boyfriend, like guys (not me, but lots
of other guys), take nude pics of their
girlfriends.... That is wonderfully amazing to me!
The "aftercare" pic almost made me cry... and I'm
totally serious.  This is one of the most beautiful
things I have ever seen on the internet.  Please
keep doing it...

While I love receiving comments like this because one of the things I hoped to achieve by posting the pictures I take of my boyfriend online, it is also a reminder of the fact that this public adoration (and objectification) of a male submissive is rare. As I’ve come to realize the fucked up state of femdom, I’ve concurrently become aware of the fucked up state of male submission – namely, it’s devaluation. While female dominants are made out to be some scarce resource, male submissives are depicted as a dime a dozen – common, and, even more disturbingly, weak and worthless. It’s unclear why this is. Certainly it hints at what is fucked up about society’s take on gender and sexuality – men are supposed to be the assertive ones, while women are supposed to be demure; men are supposed to be sex-crazy lunatics, while women obviously don’t take great interest or pleasure in such depraved acts.

This then seems to influence the way that people approach the BDSM community. There seems to be a very sexist attitude towards F/m. Like Bitchy Jones, I assume that the ratio of female dominants to male submissives is actually more like 1:1 than 1:20, and, as she says,

19 out of every twenty dominant women aren’t happy or comfortable with femdom as an identity or a place to live. That’s a lot.

What is it that makes dominant women uncomfortable with femdom? There are a lot of things. One of the biggest is the sexist attitude that is rampant in the BDSM community. It often seems like women have to remain ice queens, untarnished by actually having penile-vaginal intercourse with their male subs. However, if they want to they can become more male, and thus, more dominant by strapping on and becoming – duh duh duh – The Penetrator. This isn’t to say that there’s anything wrong with strapping on (I’m a fan myself), but a sex act does not a Dominant (or a submissive) make and we can’t just superimpose the male-female dichotomy onto Dominant-submissive and expect that to make anyone happy.

It’s not just female dominants who are getting a raw deal and are having to battle through a mire of expectations in order to engage in the kink they thought they loved. Male submissives find themselves in a community with very few potential partners. Of the potential partners, many will be professional dominatrices, and many (even non-pros) will expect their submission straight out of the gate because of a hidden assumption that if you’re a submissive man you must be willing to submit to just anyone. In defense of these Doms, the moment a woman signs up for any BDSM website she will get an influx of messages from men offering just that – men who want to be her “slave” who have never even had a conversation with her. However, after wading through these fantasists, a dominant woman will eventually find a man who fits her bill because she is valued, and thus, many men will be willing to try to do so.

Submissive men, however, have a much harder time. Because there is this perception of a ratio like 1:20 and because many submissive men either perpetuate the femdom icequeen-bitch ideal that no woman can or perhaps should live up to on a day-to-day basis, male submissives become devalued.

Some have suggested that female pro-dommes also devalue male submission (my boyfriend for one). I don’t think that pro-Dommes cause this problem, but I think that oftentimes they don’t help. Pro-Dommes meet a need. They are the supply to a demand. However, they contribute to the perpetuation of a picture of female domination that just doesn’t reflect real life. But they’re not the root of that problem. As a parallel, just because vanilla men have sex workers and porn doesn’t mean that they don’t know that they can’t expect the same look and sex acts from their girlfriends and wives. However, imagine a world in which vanilla men didn’t meet any women until they began encountering sex workers and porn. This could lead to a much more confusing dynamic for both those vanilla men and the non-professional women they might encounter.

I don’t generally wear corsets, stockings, PVC, leather, or high heels when I dom my boyfriend. I love fucking him up the ass, but I also love being fucked up the ass. I regularly beat my boyfriend with various implements and might tie him up (and love doing both of these things). However, I sometimes tell him to pull my hair, bite me, flog me or cane me because I am a masochist. When we do this, we are not ‘switching’. I love pain. It makes me come. I instruct him in exactly what kind of pain I like and how to administer it, just as I tell him exactly how I want him to lick my cunt or finger me. I tell my submissive to do something that makes me come, and he does it. Exterior trappings or individual acts are not what make dominance and submission. It is the connection, the control; one person leading another on a journey of trust and intimacy. I am the one who leads.

I value my submissive. He is unique in his understanding of me and his willingness to be my partner in crime wherever our whims might take us. I value our communication with each other. He challenges me to live up to the values we both espouse, and lets me know what his needs and wants are. I value his vulnerability. This is one of the biggest things. Our culture unfortunately often portrays men who are vulnerable as weaklings. My boyfriend’s vulnerability with me is his biggest strength. It is what makes him so very beautiful to me. I value the fact that my boyfriend is submissive to me, personally, and not some femdom ideal. I value my boyfriend for his love of pleasing me. I value my boyfriend’s willingness to follow my lead, and his ability to do so while still offering his own opinions. By sharing this, I hope to inspire other submissives to realize that they too should be valued for who they are and what they have to offer. We each have that right regardless of our BDSM role.