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30 Days of Dominance Day 3: How do you know you’re dominant?

Soooo….I’ve been a bad blogger. It’s been over two months since my last post and I vowed to write once a month at least. Sometimes life gets in the way. This time, mostly in a good way. The only negative reason was that my computer was dying on me for awhile (but has now been restored). Positive reasons: meeting Edward’s family and having him meet mine, Edward moving back here and having more time because he was in between jobs (which meant more time with him, less with computer), picking out our first flat together, and now picking out all of our furniture inside of that flat. We now happily have a beautiful place that’s all our own (at least for 2 years) and have adopted and adorable pussy too. We’re looking forward to many kinky adventures in this place. To begin with, starting tonight he will be either chained to the bed or in chastity at all times. We will see how that one goes. And now, without further ado, Day 3 of 30 Days of Dominance.

How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

Everyone has the potential to be dominant. How you ‘know’ is whether you find yourself drawn to it, whether you think it would be fun. I’m not someone who always takes control, who always wants to be the leader, who always asserts themselves easily or knows what they want right away. But dominance appealed to me. The idea of hurting someone appealed to me. The idea of training someone to be deeply mine – to obey me, to love me, to desire my direction – appealed to me. The idea of submitting was not abhorrent to me; it would be devaluing my desired partners if it was. I’ve tried submitting more than once and have enjoyed my experiences. I would never rule out the idea that one day I may submit again, perhaps even in a deep and long-term way. However, right now, and throughout most of my experiences with BDSM and BDSM practitioners I was drawn to and enjoy dominance. That is all that makes me dominant; nothing more, nothing less.

Expressing my dominance, when I’m really in the moment, feels incredible. It’s a rush, a high. I feel aroused, sexy, powerful, sure of myself and of our relationship, very connected to Edward. I feel limitless and lucky: so grateful to have found someone willing and eager to obey who is compatible with me not only when I’m expressing my dominance, but also when I’m not. There’s also a hard edge. There’s a giddiness that can make me apathetic to Edward’s desires, which I have to constantly quell. We like pushing the boundaries, but I also always have to remain in control of my own actions. I can never fully give in to this dark force inside of me that wants to consume, devour, use, and destroy. So expressing my dominance feels like a controlled fervor. It rolls over me and I monitor it, telling it how far it can go and when to stop. Being be a good dominant means not only learning to control another, but also learning how to control yourself.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 2

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

When looking for a submissive, I first look for someone who I like as a person. Those are things that you just can’t instill in someone if they’re not already there. I also look for someone who genuinely enjoys pleasing me rather than someone who is looking for someone to fulfill his very specific fantasies. Beyond that, and into the realm of things you can teach, I like someone who’s an excellent masseuse, good at taking pain, allows my cock inside of them, and can assume a meek demeanor. I teach these things with patience by instruction and practice.

I prefer to be dominant not just inside the bedroom, but out as well. However, I’m not super bossy in my day-to-day life with people other than my submissive. I assert myself, but I don’t generally like to dominate people without their consent. However, with my slave I can give him instructions whenever, wherever. I do take his opinions into account, and I often invite them, but I have the final say when I want it. I like it that way.

I am dominant not just with my slave, but also with play partners. Occasionally I bottom to others, but usually just to be tied up or beaten pleasantly. More often than not though, it’s me topping with play partners. I’ve stopped playing in public so much though because it’s started to feel rather performative. Occasionally I’ll meet someone I really want to play with though, and I appreciate the public setting to try things out and get to know each other.

Since I was late this month, and this is a short post, I will leave you with a picture of my slave:Image

30 Days of Dominance Question 1: Does your Dominance have a label?

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I prefer an Owner/slave style, Dominant/submissive, or Top/bottom style depending on what context I’m in. I have my slave/fiance Edward, but we have an open relationship in which I’m free to play with others. I like topping and bottoming to other people sometimes, and might at some point have another Dominant/submissive relationship with someone else, but doubt I would ever have another slave. I enjoy both the novelty of playing with new people in public and the intimacy of playing with my well-used slave in private.

As far as labels themselves go, they can be useful, but also limiting. As I’ve discussed, ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ can be heavily loaded terms. ‘Dominant’ is taken to mean masculine, sadistic, assertive, penetrator, while ‘submissive’ is taken to mean feminine, masochistic, meek, and penetrated. When I say that I am Dominant and my slave’s Owner I mean that I give my slave orders and he follows them. This is true whether I order him to put his chastity device on, give me a massage, fuck me, bite me, cuddle with me, kneel before me, bring me my scalpel so I can carve my name into his chest, or cane me. We use labels, but do not let them dictate our relationship.

Kink and religion (III): How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

Dev:

In some ways it was the questioning of what I had been taught about sexuality that led me to kink. I realised that it wasn’t wrong to fall in love with a person just because they are of the same sex, and that made me wonder what else I had been taught would turn out to be wrong. This left me a lot more open-minded about uncommon sexual practices.

Specifically…I think I do probably enjoy Domming more because of what I’ve been through. It feels like conquering previous parts of myself. For example, when I was 14 I really wanted to french-kiss my then-boyfriend. But I couldn’t bring myself to even hint that this might be what I wanted. It had to be all his idea. I feel victorious in my ability to sexually aggress.

I don’t think religion gave me any specific kinks. My past just adds a bit of a transgressive charge to my kink life.

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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

John:

I don’t think my religion influenced the kink.  I remember from a very early age being fascinated with different things you could do to your man bits and experimenting with that. Then I think religion may have suppressed it for a while.  Growing up in a church..well, you know. Good church-going people don’t have those kinds of thoughts… god forbid.  Christianity will turn you into a eunuch, until you get married, then sex is OK.

It took me a very long time to realize that liking sex, in all forms, is not a bad thing and if god wanted me to be a sexless creature he should have not made women so damn sexy.
As far as the kink.. I think I came out of the womb as a pain slut as evidenced by my choice of endurance sports and the suffering required to be good at them.
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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

DD:

Since I got married young and started exploring kink within my marriage~ being into femdom at 19 didn’t cause any particular problems for me. It certainly startled my more conservative friends if I ever hinted at it in conversation.  Somehow a lot of these gals weren’t sure they were supposed to even like sex, never mind being enthusiastic about it or OMG, take charge!

I read about BDSM extensively but because I grew up listening to people telling me how I was supposed to do things and I learned how to sort what I valued from the rest of their nonsense, I felt free to pick and choose what I liked out of the kink basket as well. Tom Allen has mentioned that fundamentalists, when they be kinksters or Christians, all have the same attitude about their approach. It is true, and my experience with Christian fundamentalist prepared to handle the kinkster fundamentalists.

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How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink?

tomio:

I think, primarily, it served as a brake on my sexual development. This would have been true even if I were sexually vanilla, though. The mixed messages – it’s bad and only bad people want/enjoy it, but it is good to share with your spouse – make it nearly impossible to have a healthy, functioning sense of sexuality. 

I think there is a possible link between the view of a loving and suffering God, as evidenced by Jesus’ sacrifice, and my understanding of love as being expressed through suffering for my partner. I remember a Sunday School lesson that discussed the various forms of torture Jesus endured on his way to the cross (not to mention actually being crucified) and the message that he suffered because of his love for each individual in the room – it wasn’t just a global thing for humanity, but a very individual thing. 

There is absolutely a link between the idea of a “good Christian” submitting their entire life to God and the complete surrender of power I have with Mistress Delila. Anything less than complete is simply a mockery. If I hold onto one tiny fraction of power; then I have not actually submitted at all. 

I think this line of thinking lays me at odds with the kink fundies who like to claim that a submissive actually “holds all the power” in a D/s relationship. And I guess I tend to deal with them the same way I’ve come to deal with religious fundies…tell them they are wrong and then ignore them. When they try to force their beliefs on me, I tend to get rather aggressive about defending myself, because I know they will not be satisfied until they own every part of me. 

My experience with religion also made me sensitive to the awesomeness of the mundane. For instance, the example of Jesus being born in a stable is often used to show how uncaring the world was/is. I see it as meaning that the incredible complexity of life in that stall shows how beautiful the world is…that the finest trappings of wealth and power simply cannot rise above the simple beauty of existence. That we exist is a thing of beauty (regardless of how one believes we got here). These incredible connections we describe as love are commonplace magic. The entire world can be found in the face of a child picking a dandelion. We are primarily spiritual beings caught for a time in a physical world…and for me, complete surrender allows me to transcend the mere physical bonds and unite with Mistress Delila on a purely spiritual level