Category Archives: Uncategorized

New Project

Soooo…..I think I’ve come up with a way to continue a version of this blog in a way that will be fun for all of us. I’m turning it into (for the moment) a repository for female dom and/or male submissive erotica. Queer erotica is entirely welcome as well. Basically, anything other than male dom/fem sub (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s already plenty of it floating around) will be considered. So, please submit your pornographies to me at delvingintodeviance@gmail.com. I shall peruse them and post the ones I find pleasing with some author-approved editing if needed, with full credit given to the author and links to their webpage if they have one. Hopefully this will result in fun readings for me and a platform for authors to gather an audience for their writing. I will also write when I feel inspired. Let the erotic project begin!

An explanation, a celebration, and a farewell (for now)

Sooo….I’m alive. Alive and well it turns out. I’m very pleased to announce that my slave and I have recently married. It was an ecstatic day; we are so very happy to have found each other, and look forward to a lifetime of shared moments both kinky and non-kinky. It can be hard to meet someone compatible with you even when you don’t have a love of things like blood play, general sadism, and Domination. So, to find someone who ticks all of my vanilla boxes as well as all the kinky ones has left me feeling very blessed indeed.

I haven’t been writing here much as you may have noticed. Life has gotten in the way. I was planning a wedding and working on a dissertation, and now I’m working on a dissertation, applying for jobs, and trying to publish my ass off elsewhere. I’ve put off writing this entry because I love my blog and I want it to continue, but the fact of the matter is I just don’t have the time and mental energy to compose quality blog posts on top of everything else right now. I’m leaving my blog up, and may even occasionally be inspired to write a post, but I can’t promise any regularity in the coming months. I hope to return to you one day, but for now, it is adieu.

I leave you with a lovely picture of my slave plugged, jockstrapped, locked into a harness, gagged and in pony boots. Don’t say I never gave ya nothin’.

Image

30 Days of Dominance: Day 2

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

When looking for a submissive, I first look for someone who I like as a person. Those are things that you just can’t instill in someone if they’re not already there. I also look for someone who genuinely enjoys pleasing me rather than someone who is looking for someone to fulfill his very specific fantasies. Beyond that, and into the realm of things you can teach, I like someone who’s an excellent masseuse, good at taking pain, allows my cock inside of them, and can assume a meek demeanor. I teach these things with patience by instruction and practice.

I prefer to be dominant not just inside the bedroom, but out as well. However, I’m not super bossy in my day-to-day life with people other than my submissive. I assert myself, but I don’t generally like to dominate people without their consent. However, with my slave I can give him instructions whenever, wherever. I do take his opinions into account, and I often invite them, but I have the final say when I want it. I like it that way.

I am dominant not just with my slave, but also with play partners. Occasionally I bottom to others, but usually just to be tied up or beaten pleasantly. More often than not though, it’s me topping with play partners. I’ve stopped playing in public so much though because it’s started to feel rather performative. Occasionally I’ll meet someone I really want to play with though, and I appreciate the public setting to try things out and get to know each other.

Since I was late this month, and this is a short post, I will leave you with a picture of my slave:Image

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012

I am very excited to announce that I have made Between My Sheets’ list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012! Not only that, but I’m number 14! How awesome is that? I’m really honored that one of my beloved readers has nominated me and that Rori has decided she likes my stuff. I’d like to take this chance to thank Rori for taking the time to make this list, and to thank all of you for reading.

Being commended in this way also makes me want to live up to my ranking! So, I will now state publicly what I’ve made my personal goal, but sometimes fall short of: I plan on writing at least once a month every month in this blog for the next year. This is also a good time to ask for some feedback. What do you guys like reading? What do you dislike reading? Are there any topics that you’d love to see me address? I write this blog partially so I can meander through my own thoughts on some of these issues, but also so I can help other people through similar journeys, so if you think there’s a way I could help, do tell! I’ve found writing this blog both challenging and enjoyable, and look forward to another year of it.

And, for those month long stretches between my posts, here are 99 other bloggers to check out:

1. Molly from Molly’s Daily Kiss @mollysdailykiss
2. EA from Easily Aroused @EasilyAroused
3. Hyacinth Jones from A Dissolute Life Means…  
4. Cheeky Minx from Love Hate Sex Cake @LoveHateSexCake
5. Amy from Anal Amy @AnalAmy
6. My Trousers Rolled from My Trousers Rolled @rolledtrousers
7. Sexual Life of a Wife from Sexual Life of a Wife  
8. Dark Gracie from Gracie’s Playground @darkgracie
9. diirrty from d i i r r t y  
10. nilla from Vanillamom’s Blog @swirlednilla
11. Suggestive Tongue from Suggestive Tongue @Suggestive
12. Sunny Megatron from Sunny Megatron @SunnyMegatron
13. Aisha from Being Aisha  
14. Dev from Delving to Deviance  
15. Amie Wee from Crevice Canyon @crevicecanyon
16. Remittance Girl from Remittance Girl @remittancegirl
17. Lady Dragonfly from Lady Dragonfly @miladydragonfly
18. paltego from Femdom Resource  
19. Bella Blush from Clean, Moral, Polite  
20. Girl on the Net from Girl on the Net @girlonthenet
21. Clarisse Thorn from Clarisse Thorn @clarissethorn
22. Kyle Mew from Kyle Mew @kylemmew
23. Violet+Rye from Uncommon Appetites @UCAppetites
24. Mina and Sylvanus from At Longing’s End @mydesire and @sylvanus
25. Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life  
26. Heather and Nikki from Vagina Antics @Heather_Cole1 and @Nikki_Blue1
27. Ferns from Domme Chronicles @Ferns__
28. Conina from Exploring Surrender  
29. Kaya from Under His Hand  
30. Joan Price from Better Than I Ever Expected @joanprice
31. Dumb Domme from Dumb Domme @DumbDomme
32. Sadie from That’s What Sadie Said  
33. Nikki from Nikki True @Thenikkitrue
34. Lucas Brooks from Top To Bottom @Top2Bottom
35. HH and Lo from My Sex Life with Lola  
36. Harper Elliot from (It Girl. Rag Doll) @HarperEliot
37. Charlie Glickman from Charlie Glickman @charlieglickman
38. Lady Cheeky from Smut for Smarties @Lady_Cheeky
39. TemptingSweets999 from Tempting Sweets: Story Heat  
40. Monocle, Redbud, and Ximena from The Erotic Writer @_Monocle_ and @_Ximena_Writes_
41. Happy BDSM from Happy BDSM  
42. Charlie Nox from Charlie Nox @charlienox
43. Theo Black from Theo Black  
44. Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex from Bliss @blissconnection
45. Rockin from Light Switch @RockinwithaCock
46. Dr. Marty Klein from Sexual Intelligence @drmartyklein
47. Miranda an Aaron from The Swinger’s Attic  
48. Karen from Kissing Blue Karen @kissinbluekaren
49. Axe from Unspeakable Axe @unspeakableaxe
50. Peroxide from Submissive in Seattle @Peroxide__
51. Rachel Rabbit White from Rachel Rabbit White @rabbitwhite
52. Jill McDevitt from A Day in the Life of a Sexologist  
53. LS&M from Love, Sex & Marriage  
54. Hubman from Hubman’s Hangout @hubman38
55. Coyote’s Kitten from Kitten’s Paw Prints in Slavery @coyoteskitten
56. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross from Dodson and Ross @dodsonandross
57. Daisy Danger from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger @daisydanger
58. Oatmeal Girl from Submission & Metaphor @oatmeal_girl
59. Fatal from You Linger Like a Haunting Refrain  
60. Ruby Ryer from Pegging Paradise @Ruby_Ryder
61. Kyle Jones from Butchtastic  
62. Anakin and padme from Journey to the Darkside @AnakinDarth and @padmeamidala
63. Lady Pandorah from Lady Panorah’s Sanctuary @ladypandorah
64. Marie Rebelle from Rebel’s Notes @rebelsnotes
65 Thumper from Denying Thumber @thumperMN
66. Jade from Pieces of Jade @piecesofjade
67. Jason Stotts from Erosophia @jstotts
68. BD Swain from Leaning How To Tell You @redswain
69. Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved  
70. Dangerous Lilly from This Could Be Dangerous @dangerouslilly
71. Modesty Ablaze from Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
72. Suzanne from All Mine  
73. Kitty from My Secret Life  
74. Domina Victoria Rage from Domina Victoria Rage @VictoriaRage
75. Sin from Finding My Submission  
76. Maggie Mayhem from Miss Maggie Mahem @msmaggiemayhem
77. Artemisia Absinthium from Absinth Cocktail @ArtiAbsinthium
78. N. Likes from My Dissolute Life @nlikes
79. TheOthers1 from Undue Creativity  
80. Roxy from Uncommon Curiosity @sroxy
81. Mollena from The Perverted Negress @Mollena
82. Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex  
83. Liza from Always Each Other @lizawrites
84. Figleaf from Real Adult Sex @talkingfigleaf
85. Red Vinyl Kitty from The Sub Mission @The_Sub_Mission
86. Omega and Mouse from The Power Exchange @talesofmouse
87. Innocent Loverboy from Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
88. Shelby Cross from Shelby Cross, Writer  
89. Blacksilk from Being Blacksilk @BlacksilkBlog
90. Kaleigh Trace from Fucking Facts @TheFuckingFacts
91. Romantic Dominant from A Faded Romantic’s Notebook  
92. BiLikesSciFi from A Tale of Bi and Bi @bi_and_bi
93. Curvaceous Dee from Curvaceous Dee @curvaceousdee
94. Evoe Thorne from My Whole Sex Life @WholeSexLife
95. Ponyboy from Marriage in the Bedroom @Ponyboy0000
96. Jack and Jill from Frisky in the 916 @jackandjillcpl and @jillandjackcpl
97. The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team from Gentle Nibbles @gentlenibbles
98. Kitty from The Submissive Wife  
99. Kat from She Makes the Rules  

100. YOU! As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there! So please leave a comment on Between My Sheets with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!

The intersection of performative masculinity/femininity and dominance/submission

A few posts back I discussed performative masculinity, and how to move beyond it. Today I want to discuss the difficulties posed by the intersection of expectations for males and females combined with expectations for dominants and submissives. I’ve hinted at this in previous posts, but here I want to address it head on. It’s difficult as a female dom or a male sub to figure out your own identity and your place in ‘the scene’ because your prescribed roles are in conflict. To be performatively feminine is to be submissive, and to be performatively masculine is to be dominant. By choosing or feeling yourself led to a place of feminine dominance or masculine submission, you are entering a no-man’s land where expectations are unclear and by your mere existence you are subversive. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Before we go any further, let’s define some terms. These are taken from Informed Consent‘s BDSM Dictionary.

Bottom: A bottom may be male or female. Within BDSM, the bottom is the partner who is the recipient of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation. A top performs acts such as these upon the bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the bottom is the receiving partner, or a person who prefers the receiving role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.Top: A top may be male or female. Within BDSM, the top is the giver of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation upon their partner, usually a bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the top is the giving partner, or a person who prefers the giving/active role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.

Dominant: As an adjective, “being” dominant is about exercising influence or control. Governing matters; being in charge. Predisposed to taking over and wanting to maintain power.

Submissive: As an adjective, “being” submissive is wanting to or being willing to submit to orders or wishes of another.

Switch: In BDSM, a switch is someone who participates in BDSM activities as both a top and a bottom, or possibly both a Dom and a sub. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. Switches are very common; partners may switch roles based on mood, desire, or being with a different partner.

Let’s look at the ‘act like man box’, the ‘act like a woman box’, the ‘act like a dominant box’ and the ‘act like a sub box’. The first is mostly taken from Charlie Glickman’s ‘act like a man box‘, which was created through workshops wherein people were asked to describe a ‘real man’. I created the subsequent boxes based on what I think people are often saying when they tell someone to act more feminine, dominant, or submissive, respectively.

The BDSM Hierarchy

As you can see, how to act like a man neatly maps onto how to act like a dom, and how to act like a woman neatly maps onto how to act like a sub. In this way, heterosexual M/f couples (male dominant, female submissive) wherein the man is a sadist (enjoys giving pain), and the female a masochist (enjoys receiving pain) can easily perform their two roles flawlessly at the same time. This is exemplified by the wildly popular Fifty Shades of Grey. This book is able to be so easily consumed because it doesn’t trample on anyone’s preconceived notions of what it means to be male or female, dominant or submissive. The M/f couple then, can be at the top of the BDSM hierarchy, with the male dominant on top of course because he’s dominant (and dominants are supposed to be superior).

Where do female dominants and male submissives land in this hierarchy? Female dominants get a higher place in the BDSM hierarchy than male submissives because even though they are stepping outside of the ‘act like a woman box’ 1) they too are dominants, which are intrinsically better than submissives according to our boxes, and 2) they are taking on masculine traits, which lifts their status rather than lowers it. Therefore, the hierarchy is topped by male dominants, then female dominants, then female submissives, and then male submissives. The latter group find themselves at the bottom of the heap because, like female dominants, they cannot reconcile their two roles, but unlike femdoms their new role takes them down a peg rather than boosting them up the ladder. The fact that their desires and behavior go outside of the ‘act like a man box’ threatens all men who are concerned with performing masculinity, but particularly dominant ones. It makes them more aware of the man box, and more dedicated to staying inside of it. In fact, most people who are not dominant women (or dominant gay men) are disconcerted by them because they are willingly forsaking their privileged role. In this way, submissive men are devalued. This is why male submissives end up as the ultimate joke, as we see in Pulp Fiction: they make everyone who is performing their gender uncomfortable.

It seems the F/m couple get the short end of the stick, but this doesn’t have to be the case. While an M/f couple might easily fall into their roles since the prescriptions for both their sex and their power dynamic are in line, an F/m couple is forced to more carefully pick and choose what they want. As an analogy, the M/f couple are able to pick out a suit from a rack at a store. It might not fit them perfectly, but it fits well enough that they don’t really notice the imperfections, or they make a few minor adjustments. The F/m couple on the other hand, is an entirely unconventional shape. They have to go to a bespoke tailor because nothing on the rack fits. Going bespoke costs more emotionally and psychologically. However, in the end, they come out with a suit that fits perfectly. An M/f couple is able to lead an unexamined life, for the F/m couple, that is nearly impossible.

Throwing out the bad

Trying to ‘act like a female’ and ‘act like a dominant’ at the same time can lead to some strange combinations that can be dissatisfying to those involved. I’ve mentioned before the frigid ice queen archetype who maintains her lack of sexual desire, but combines it with sadism and controlling her partner’s orgasm (often giving him none). This is fine if it’s what a woman actually wants, but all too often it is construed as how a dominant woman is supposed to behave. Even in non-kinky contexts women are told that in order to maintain control over their man, they need to withhold sex. I find this idea repugnant, and in my experience it is simply false. I have sex with my submissives early and often, and yet somehow they still do exactly what I tell them to. It’s almost as if their desire for sex isn’t the only thing that dictates their behavior! I have explained before that I would never put my submissive in permanent chastity because I enjoy riding his cock too much, and I know I’m not the only female dominant who has penetrative sex with her partner for fun. A woman only loses power when she has sex if her partner is a douchebag who thinks that sex is the only thing a woman has to offer and/or that a woman is spoiled goods once she’s been fucked. Why would a woman want to control a man who thinks either of those things? Many of the attributes in the ‘act like a woman box’ are ridiculous and should be (and fortunately are slowly being) discarded. This isn’t to say that a woman should want sex all the time, but rather, she shouldn’t feel like less of a woman if she does.

Similarly, trying to ‘act like a man’ and ‘act like a submissive’ can lead to some strange results too. For example, some men overcompensate by being an asshole (violent, competitive, and angry) to everyone but their dominant. This doesn’t solve any problems. Other men forsake the ‘act like a man box’ altogether and portray themselves as useless worms ripe for humiliation. As I’ve said before, and I’m sure I’ll say again, what fun is it bringing a man to his knees if he was never standing tall to begin with? Confidence and a comfort in one’s own skin are attractive traits in anyone, male or female, dom or sub. While we shouldn’t try to stay inside of our boxes, we also shouldn’t try to stay entirely outside of them because that can be equally limiting.

Keeping what works

Just like with the ‘act like a man box’, the best way to conquer all of these boxes is not by rejecting them flat-out, becoming the reciprocal of what the box indicates, but rather by picking and choosing what works for you. Rejecting the box can make one feel just as trapped as trying to conform to it. As Glickman describes,

They had to do everything that was inside the [Act Like a Man] Box. I couldn’t do anything that was inside the Box. They couldn’t show sadness or fear. I couldn’t show anger. They had to be aggressive. I became really passive. They had to make their needs come before other peoples’. I wouldn’t state my needs or desires, and I never let myself come first.

A woman doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a woman box’ in order to be dominant, and a man doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a man box’ in order to be submissive. Neither do they have to conform to everything in the ‘act like a dominant’ or ‘act like a submissive’ boxes. This applies to M/f, F/f, and M/m couples too, but I will be focusing on what this looks like in the context of an F/m relationship.

Many women enjoy conforming to the ‘act like a woman box’ to some extent, and want to maintain that femininity while being dominant. Similarly, many submissive men like being masculine in some respects. For example, a female dominant might enjoy being nurturing, romantic and wearing make-up most days. None of these things are actually in conflict with being dominant, so have at it! Some submissive men might like being muscular, assertive, and decisive.  This doesn’t actually prevent them from obeying their dominant, so there’s no conflict. The same goes for deciding how to be dominant and submissive. You say you like tying men up and jumping their bones, but don’t want to fuck them in the ass? Not a problem. You like both biting and being bitten? You’re both going to have some bruises to hide. The only thing that should dictate what happens within any D/s relationship is the interests and consent of the two (or three, or four, or more) people involved. Don’t let yourself get boxed in or boxed out.

Guidelines for making your own bespoke D/s relationship

Here are some guidelines for creating a D/s relationship that uniquely suits your own and your partner’s needs and desires. They are not necessarily meant to be followed in order. Many people, for example, only figure out what kind of D/s they are interested in after finding that someone else is interested in it. This list is not exhaustive, but can be applied to any relationship regardless of sex or orientation.

1) Identify what interests you about D/s. Is it the service aspect? Do you love suffering for someone else’s enjoyment? Does it make you hot when you tell someone what to do and they comply? Is your greatest fantasy having someone dictate what you wear and how you behave in order to please them (slave training)? Whatever the crucial part of your desires are, make sure these are being met by your partner, regardless of your role.

2) Find someone with interests that are similar or reciprocal to your own. Whether it’s online (Fetlife, CollarMe, Informed Consent, OK Cupid), at a munch, through a friend, or through your local polyamoury group, kinky people tend to be more comfortable with their whole selves when they can be with someone who accepts and appreciates all of them.

3) Don’t be afraid to experiment. Fascinated by bondage, but don’t know whether you want to tie or be tied? Try both! Your girlfriend says she’ll let you fuck her in the ass if you let her fuck you in the ass? Go for it!

4) Don’t let fear dictate your actions. As an example, if a man doesn’t want a plug in his ass because he’s afraid it will hurt or tear, that’s one thing. However, if he’s afraid that it will make him less of a man, that’s another. Being afraid of being less manly is equivalent to saying that being female is inferior to being male. Being afraid that it will make you gay is similar.There’s nothing wrong with being gay, so why should you be afraid that something would make you appear gay? Furthermore, liking things in your ass doesn’t make you gay. Avoiding things because you fear they will make you seem feminine, gay, or submissive reinforces sexism, homophobia, and domism.

5) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Have an ongoing conversation about your kinky likes and dislikes. They may evolve and change – in fact, they probably will.

6) Explore novel ways to have sex. No sex act is inherently dominant or submissive. Experiment with ways to keep the power dynamic even when doing something that ‘doms don’t do’. For example, giving a blow job might not seem very dominant at first, but when you add in a man begging you to lick them and begging you to come, you’d be amazed at how it’s magically transformed into a dominant act.

Parting thoughts

As Cat Stevens would say,

You can do what you want

The opportunity’s on

And if you find a new way

You can do it today

You can make it all true

And you can make it undo

Whether you’re male, female, trans, genderqueer, intersex, gay, straight, or pansexual, the way that you do D/s is up to you and those you play with. Don’t let boxes get in the way of your bedroom fun. Try to find your authentic desires, and don’t let your fears get in the way of realizing them. To do so is letting down not just yourself, but also others who would benefit from playing in a world without performative boxes.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to PWN, Edward, and my roomate for helping me edit this.

Advice for a vanilla woman whose boyfriend wants her to dominate him

I got this message a few days back, and figured that this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation, so I’m publishing our dialogue (with her consent). If anyone wants some advice I’m always happy to give it if I can, or point you towards some resources if I can’t. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call her Esmeralda.

Esmeralda:

Hello,

I hope you don’t mind, but I was wondering if you could offer some advice? From the research I’ve done, I guess I’d define myself as straight-up Vanilla. Recently I’ve come into contact with a man who is into BDSM, and he mentioned wanting me to dominate him.

Now, I should be honest and admit I have no idea what that entails! He mentioned that he was not sadistic, and that he has previously always held the post of Master… I don’t know what he hopes I can provide, but the more I learn the more tempted I am. I am kind-hearted and docile by nature, and I don’t think I’d be able to hurt him.

I keep trying to find out more, but it’s so confusing. Is there a way to dominate him, without pain? I could do with like, non-violent acts, ropes and wax for instance, and I enjoy being a tease. I don’t think I could handle sodomy or excretions, some light spanking would be about as far as I would be willing to go. Based on his preferences, do you think this is enough? Is there a way to meet his needs without pushing my boundaries?

Hope to hear back! Loved your blog, it’s really been helpful in navigating this unfamiliar terrain…

Love,
Esmeralda

Me:

Hello there,

There are certainly ways to dominate without too much pain. As you mentioned, bondage is one avenue. Light spankings and wax play are also things to try if you want to explore light pain. If you are going to try wax play, use a white unscented paraffin candle and try not to pool the wax in one place too much. Coloured, scented candles burn at a higher temperature and dripping multiple drops in the same place within a short span of time can lead to a more intense burning sensation. For more information on wax play go here.

Teasing is a great avenue if that’s one that you enjoy. Bondage + teasing can be a lot of fun. Sensation play is also a nice combination with bondage (and teasing too). Tying your boyfriend to a chair, blindfolding him and running scarves along his body, then a refrigerated butter knife (sounds strange, but it will feel sharp to him and you’ll know you can’t do any damage with it), then parts of your body/lips/tongue works well. If you feel comfortable you could also slap his inner thighs lightly or run your fingernails along him.

Another part of domination can be him serving you. You could make him clean, bring you drinks, make you breakfast, give you massages. However you and he like it. Is there something you would like for him to wear or some way that you’d like for him to prepare for sex that he’s not currently doing? Maybe you really like it when he wears a certain kind of underwear or think you might like it if he waxed his genitals. As part of our daily routine, Edward makes me breakfast each morning and puts on and takes of my shoes when we go out together. When he does so, he kisses my feet. These things are called rituals, and they tend to reinforce a feeling of you dominating him in a gentle way. He and I have a 24/7 dynamic you may not want, particularly when you’re just starting to explore. Perhaps you would like to have a pampering night where he bathes you, massages you, and gives you a pedicure (although it can take some work to teach a guy how to do this well!) or kisses your entire body, leaving no square inch unappreciated.

Chastity is another option for those who aren’t really interested in pain, but are fascinated by control. By controlling his orgasms he may become more attentive and more invested in your pleasure. Personally, I don’t like using a chastity device when I’m living with my boyfriend because I like having constant access to his cock, but I do like controlling his orgasms. The only downside is having to pause multiple times throughout penetrative vaginal sex because it will be harder for him to not orgasm the longer he goes without it. However, if, like many women, you actually prefer receiving oral sex to vaginal sex, then there’s not much of an issue. I love vaginal sex, but it can be fun to challenge yourself to be more creative. You can explore manual stimulation, sex toys, oral sex, etc.

Think about what, if any of this, interests you, and then have a conversation with him. If you want to look at how several different dominant women got into domination, and what aspects of it they like you can go here. See where your interests overlap. Not every guy who is into submitting is into pain or service or any other individual aspect of it, just as not every dominant is into pegging (i.e. a woman sodomizing a man). You also need to discuss when the domination will happen. Are you both ok with you just bossing him around at any given time or should it just be in the bedroom or at least in private? How often would you both like this to happen? Do you want vanilla sex most of the time with this thrown in once a month or something like that? Would that work for him too? And finally, don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re really not interested in. It’s good to try new things, but if you try it and you really don’t like it, you don’t have to keep doing it. Dominating someone should be something that gives you both pleasure: you in an immediate way, him in a maybe-not-this-moment-but-obeying-is-hot kind of way.

Hope that helps, and feel free to ask more!Kind regards,
Dev

P. S. Would you mind if I posted your question and my answer in my blog? I’d like people to know that they can ask questions if they like. I’d be happy to take your name out if that would make you more comfortable.

Esmeralda:
Hi Dev,Thanks so much for all your wonderful advice! This actually helped clear a lot of things up for me, and put me so much more at ease. In my mind, BDSM was that sort of stereotypical Mr. Slave from South Park image. I’m very happy to know that this isn’t exclusively the case. I guess what I realized is that it can actually be accommodated to suit more ‘normal’ relationships and even help to enhance them. A lot of what you mentioned sounds very appealing, and I’m actually getting a little turned on…

Sure, feel free! Thank you for all your help, I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Interviewed by Dishevelled Domina

I was recently interviewed by Dishevelled Domina (DD) for a series she’s doing on dominant women. Check them out!

Here is my interview for your reading pleasure:

  • How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I actually consider myself to be a switch even though I’ve been a dominant for the last 5 years. Mostly I identify as a dominant and a sadomasochist. However, when I first started getting into BDSM (and had an inclination that I wanted to be a top) I had no idea where to start, lived in a very small town and happened to know a Dom who was not going to switch, so I subbed to him for awhile to see what it was like. I surprised myself by really enjoying the experience, but still felt like I would never want to be submissive all the time in a long term relationship. Since then I had one partner with whom I would switch on a scene to scene basis. When we broke up I decided I really wanted to explore how deep D/s could go, so I had a relationship (with FT) wherein we had a 24/7 dynamic. In my current relationship we’ve had a 24/7 power exchange thus far, but we’re actually in the process of switching. Both of us are feeling like we might want to let the other side of our sexuality come out to play for awhile (he’s a switch too). We’re figuring out how to do that in a satisfying way because we both really enjoy our current dynamic, and plan on returning to it eventually, but are curious about mixing things up.

To discuss a different facet of my sexuality, I am pansexual and like experimenting with gender. I enjoy crossdressing and like to make my subs crossdress. I like fucking and being fucked. I tend to go for somewhat feminine men and somewhat masculine women, and am attracted to transsexual and genderqueer people.

  • How did you discover your power exchange preference?

I discovered my interest in power exchange when I was cast as a dominatrix in a play at the age of 18. I had little inklings of it before then, but that’s when I began to realise that this was something that I really liked and wanted to do more of. When we blocked the scene in which I flogged my submissive until he fell down on the ground and then I dragged him up by his collar I suddenly found myself wanting to ask my scene partner out. Unfortunately he wasn’t a sub in real life, so that didn’t work out in the end. After that I started investigating more. I had an ex-girlfriend from high school who I knew was submissive, so I talked to her about it. I was single at the time, so I began looking for people who were also kinky, but mostly found male dominants at first (again, small town without a scene). After subbing for awhile I met up with the subby ex-girlfriend when we were back home at the same time and had my first scene as a top. I loved it and wanted more. I’m still exploring, and plan on doing so for the rest of my life.

  • Compare your early sexual experiences to sex now. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

One thing I’ve learned is to listen to yourself and tell people what you want. Of course, to do that, you need to figure out what you want, and you have to get used to doing that rather quickly sometimes. As an example, I once had a threesome that ended up ruining an otherwise great relationship because it went further than I wanted it to and I didn’t stop it. I ended up feeling violated and it was my fault but I couldn’t help feeling negatively about my girlfriend for awhile, which happened to coincide with her moving an hour further away, so things just fizzled. Later I got into a threeway relationship where I told both partners exactly what I wanted out of the relationship, and got exactly that. It was a good feeling. These are just examples. I think that the idea of really listening to yourself and being honest about your emotions is important whether you’re a top or bottom, dom or sub. Everyone will be happier in the end.

  • Are you currently involved with someone?

I am currently involved with my boyfriend Edward. Until recently, he’s been my 24/7 submissive. For a description of our daily routine and a bit about us in that respect go here.

We met at a munch. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was certainly lust at first sight. We met eyes across a crowded room. He was looking absolutely adorable in a corset, eyeliner and a suit. I wanted him instantly, and the feeling was mutual. I whipped him that evening with his dragon tail (we have a rather playful munch) and we exchanged numbers. FT and I were still together then and were going through a monogamous month before we were meeting up for a month (as we were in a long distance relationship), so nothing happened after that for at least 2 months. When I was back and FT and I were free to see others again, we went out and had a fantastic time. We ate oysters, drank champagne, I put him in a straightjacket, he went down on me on the roof. Just a typical date.  :p

Things progressed from there and have been pretty ideal. He loves serving me. I love being served. However, we’re both switches and recently we’ve both been feeling like we might like to experience the other side of things, so we’re trying that for a month to see how it goes.

  • Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

I think that embracing sexual dominance when it appeals to you can be very empowering, but I certainly don’t think you have to be a femdom to be a feminist on the scene. Embracing whatever arouses you and being sexually fulfilled is, to me, a feminist thing, but you can do that as a sub too. However, I have used female domination as a thought experiment for myself too. What if I could control another person’s entire life (finances, career, etc.)? What if I could be the breadwinner and he could be the stay-at-home dad? These thoughts appeal to me. But they’re no more feminist (or even dominant) than, “I really love kids and I’m going to stay at home and take care of mine because that’s what I want to do”.

  • The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

To be honest it’s made me reluctant to take the lead initially unless I know that it’s someone who will respond favorably to that. I’ve had more than one experience wherein I’ve been slut shamed for having a little initiative. Obviously that tells you that that’s someone you shouldn’t sleep with again, but it’s hurtful. I used to have overly romantic notions of even kissing where I felt like it should always just happen and not be sought out. When I was 13 I remember really wanting to drag my boyfriend into a secluded stairwell to pin him up against a wall and make out with him for ages, but I felt like that wasn’t something that good girls do. Luckily I’ve mostly grown out of that, but I can’t say that it doesn’t impact me at all even now.

  • How well do you feel your tastes and your sexuality is represented in the erotica available today and does that matter to you?

I don’t feel like my tastes and sexuality are represented very well in the erotica available today. Luckily, queer porn is popping up and that is nice to see. However, mostly I have to find amateur porn in order to see anything I really like, and it tends to be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Part of this is just because commercial sex isn’t as fun to watch as sex between two people who have sex with each other often. But also I don’t like that women usually have to get all dressed up to dom while men don’t in most porn. And I’d like to see more MMF threesomes in porn with two actually bisexual men.

  • Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]? If so, how is that experience for you?

I am involved in the local BDSM community and have been involved with similar communities in other locations and online communities. The experience for me is decent. I live in a conservative country at the moment, so meeting kinky people provides, if nothing else, some people as friends who are a bit more open minded. I sometimes feel like public events can be overly performative, but I appreciate having a space where what I do is normal.

  • Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

I wouldn’t say that being dominant per se energizes me, but I like being my own boss. I don’t necessarily relish being anyone’s superior, but I don’t like being bossed around. In teams I tend to take the lead, particularly if no one else is.

  • Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

I would say quality time and physical touch is important to me. I like to have interactions where we’re giving each other our full attention, or shared activities like bike-riding and movie-watching. And then touch is very important. I’m back in a long-distance relationship once again now, and holding and being held whilst sleeping is definitely one of the things I miss most.

Treatment – Chapter 1

You come into my office once a week always in your raggedy jeans with some designer t-shirt; hair spiked, thick black glasses. You tell me about your job, your friends, your drinking, your sex life. I’m helping you become more assertive at work, but what I really want to do is reduce you to a crying mess on the floor. I want to see your strong, toned body curled up, hiding your vital organs. I want to see you look me in the eyes with the unmistakable expression of pleading – pleading for me to stop, pleading for me to continue, simultaneously.

Today I decide to ooze sensuality. I wear a button-down top, unbuttoned one more button than usual, a fitted pencil skirt, and heels. I want to make your mind wander as you pour your heart out to me. I want you to be unable to stop thoughts of my curves – my hips, my breasts, my ass – popping into your mind. I want to make you yearn. And I will. Oh how I will.

I tell you to discuss a time when you felt most vulnerable, most naked, most assailable. You share an anecdote from your childhood. You were 12-years-old at sleep-away camp. You’d been having a lot of fun and didn’t miss your parents at all. You were feeling independent and free. One night though, your stomach was aching, so you went down to the communal toilets. It was nearly bedtime, so there was a line to get in to use the toilet and showers. You really needed to go. Finally, you were at the front of the line, just in front of the one stall. But you couldn’t hold it anymore. You shat your pants right there at the front of the line, so close to avoiding disaster. You felt like everyone was looking at you. The boy behind you said, “Eugh, what’s that smell?” Then he looked down and saw the brown stain on your pants. You were mortified, and shuffled into the stall when it was finally your turn. You tried to clean yourself up as tears ran down your cheeks. You needed to shower but didn’t have any towel or clothes to change into.

You went into the shower anyways – scrubbed yourself down and rinsed out your pants. You had to wear them back to your cabin. They were still wet and it made you cold in the nighttime mountain air. As you walked back you felt more susceptible to the elements. Behind every corner it seemed like a wolf was waiting, ready to attack. You were shivering and crying all the way back to your cabin. You tried to put on a brave face when you got there, but you knew all of your bunk-mates could tell. You took your clothes off as quickly as you could and slipped on some clean boxers. You wrapped yourself in your sleeping bag, bringing it up over your face to hide, to protect yourself from the questions about why your clothes were wet and why you were late. The lights went out and you got as much sleep as you could, which wasn’t much.

“Thank you for sharing that with me. It’s good to be able to access a time of vulnerability. It allows one to delve deeper into the possibilities of human experience”.

“What do you mean?”

“Have you ever wanted someone to know you completely? Wanted them to get under your skin and take over? Wanted to be completely susceptible to their every instruction?”

“Well…I. I’ve felt….I guess I kind of feel that way with you. I’ve never told anyone that story before. But I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to see that side of me.”

“The frightened, mortified little boy?”

“Yes. And the man with holes in his armor. I want to show you where the holes are and allow you to pierce them if you wish”.

“I’d like you to take part in an experiment of mine. Would you be willing to participate?”

“Of course.”

“First, I want you to tell me that story once more.”

As you go through the narrative once again, reliving each emotion, one by one with your eyes closed, picturing yourself once again as a little boy, you are softly crying on my couch. At the end of the tale, in a low, smooth tone I tell you that you’re going to feel this way whenever I say the word “wolf”.

“From this moment on, you’re going to do whatever I say. Whenever I issue you an instruction, you are going to say, ‘yes, Doctor’ and obey immediately. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Doctor”.

“Before I can take you on as a participant in my experiment, I’ll need to inspect you. Take off your clothes”.

As you unbutton your pants and slide them off I ask you when you had your first wet dream.

“Eleven Doctor”, your reply.

As your shirt slides over your hairy chest and pierced nipples I ask you when you started masturbating.

“At the same age Doctor”.

As you slide your boxers down revealing a perfectly formed cock with a pierced frenum I ask you how old you were when you first had sex.

“Oral sex at fourteen, penetrative sex at sixteen, Doctor”.

I tell you to put your hands behind your head and open your legs. From my chair I peruse your body with my eyes, taking in each bend, curve, muscle, fat, bone. I drink you in and ask you how often you masturbate.

“About once a day Doctor, but two or three times when I’m feeling particularly horny”.

“I’m going to test your gag reflex”

I stand up and walk over to you. I pull a latex glove out of my pocket and put it on.

“Open up”.

“Yes Doctor”.

I slip my fingers into  your mouth, run them across your tongue, where I find your tongue ring, and ease them into your throat. You start gagging far too easily.

“We’ll have to work on that”.

“Yes Doctor”.

“Turn around and bend over. I need to see how receptive your ass is to being probed. Put your hands on the couch and stick your ass up in the air”.

I put lube onto my glove and then slip one finger into your ass. It goes in smoothly. I slip another in, and then a third.

“Have you ever had anything inserted into your ass before?”

“No, Doctor”.

“In that case, you’re taking this very well”.

“Thank you, Doctor”.

I massage your prostate, making you moan.

“You like that, don’t you?”

“Yes, Doctor”.

I take my fingers out of your ass, wipe off the lube and tell you to sit down. You comply.

“Now I need to see how much your urethra can take”.

I put on another glove and stroke your semi-erect cock until it’s standing tall and firm. I put silicone lube onto the sound and the tip of your penis and slide it inside of you. It goes in easily, slipping into you until it stops on its own. I measure the tip to see how much you have taken in.

“Eight inches. Impressive”.

“Thank you Doctor. I’m glad it pleases you”.

I pull the sound out an insert another, larger one. I ask you what you thought of the last time you masturbated.

“To be honest, I thought about you climbing onto this couch on top of me, ripping off my clothes and riding my cock until we both came”.

I jot down my findings and insert an even larger sound into your smallest opening. You whimper a little.

“Is it supposed to burn?”

“It’s not unusual, but that tells us that this is as far as we should go for today. Now stroke your penis until you come. I need to observe your arousal pattern and orgasmic response”.

“Yes Doctor”.

I sit down in my chair and watch you. I can feel my cunt becoming engorged as you jack off in front of me, looking me in the eyes. I take note of your breathing pattern, the flush of your skin, and your heartbeat making itself evident in your neck. I want to devour you, but I restrain myself. This is only the first phase of testing. A baseline must be established. Finally I hear you begin to moan. Your guttural expression of pleasure makes my body ache for you. I watch as you squirt your ejaculate all over yourself, even getting a little on your chin.

“That will be all for today. However, you have an assignment. You will figure out how many times you can ejaculate in one day. Note that this is not a question of how many times you enjoy coming in one day. You will continue to masturbate even after it starts to hurt. Is that understood?”

“Yes, doctor”.

“Good. You may clean yourself up and leave. I’ll see you next week”.

Beyond the commodification of female sexuality

I recently read Lipstick and Ligature’s post on The Problem with Kink and it made a few things click for me that I want to explore here. Most importantly, she said this:

I was told by certain sources that “oh, you’re a dominant woman?!  Congratulations, now you can become a pro-domme and earn money off your sexuality like women are supposed to do. Because, hey? What kind of woman actually wants to enjoy sexual pleasure with a submissive man anyway.

This reaction to finding out that a woman is sexually dominant is not uncommon. It’s happened to me multiple times, and Dishevelled Domina has talked about it as well. It’s always at least somewhat irritating – not because it’s such a bad thing to be a pro, but because it belies the thought that if a woman is dominating a man she needs to get something in return. When someone suggests I go pro they don’t think about the unadulterated pleasure I take in getting exactly what I want. They often don’t understand sadistic joy (or perhaps just don’t associate it with women). They don’t get how much I love the sight of a beautiful strong creature bound and at my mercy. They just think, “What’s in it for her?”

However, I don’t want to judge these questioners too harshly. I myself have fallen into a similar trap before. I have, on occasion, had a one-night stand. All I wanted was sex. One particular instance I got it (and it was great), but we never saw each other again. I couldn’t help feeling slightly used despite the fact that I was using him as much as he was using me. I felt like I should get something in return for our night of bliss; not money, but some sort of ongoing relationship of the fuck-buddy variety. Luckily I soon realized that great sex is enough when that’s all you’re really looking for and got over it.

Even women who are pretty accepting of themselves as sexual beings (like myself) occasionally expect something in return for a sexual experience in order for them to make them feel better about themselves. Passionate sex with a near-stranger doesn’t feel quite as dirty after you’ve had dinner with him. I think this is because it gives us an excuse. “Well, I’m not really a slut, it was just a really good dinner”. This could ultimately come down to extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation.

In a classic experiment, participants were instructed to work on an interesting puzzle. Some participants were paid, while others were not. Those who were not rewarded continued to play with the puzzle during a “free period”, while paid participants did not (Deci, 1975). In another experiment (for which I could not find a citation, my apologies) actually found that people enjoy a boring task more when they are paid $1 to do it than when they are paid $20 to do it. Money and other types of external rewards act as extrinsic motivation, while pure enjoyment acts as intrinsic motivation. Furthermore, when we receive very little to no reward for something that wasn’t very interesting we think that we must have enjoyed it because why else were we doing it for such little compensation (this phenomenon is known as cognitive dissonance). Conversely, if we are paid for something we do enjoy, we begin to enjoy it less because we think we must be doing it for the money (see Deci, Koestner and Ryan, 1999 for a meta-analysis).

Women often receive pre-emptive external rewards for having sex. Whether it’s flowers, drinks, dinner, or even a diamond ring, women are often ‘paid’ in some way for sex. This could lead to actually enjoying sexual interactions less because of an underlying feeling of having been compensated. Commitment can also act as a form  of compensation. When I was a teenager I kept track of how many people I’d kissed, how many people had touched my breasts, etc. I wanted this number to be as small as possible because of various cultural influences – my church probably being the strongest. If I kissed someone, it had to be ‘worth it’. I almost always expected a commitment in return. I couldn’t just give my kisses away to anyone who wasn’t willing to foot the bill of being with me for an extended period of time. This kind of thinking is harmful, and as my one-night stand experience shows, still effects me today. In fact, I’ve still only ever been vaginally penetrated by men with whom I have had long-term relationships. Oral sex I’ve learned to give away as freely as I want, but vaginal penetration is still emotionally loaded.

Ultimately I think a lot of people find the idea of women enjoying sex for the sake of sex to be a scary prospect. I’m not quite sure why that is. For myself I used to treasure a self-image that was purely good and wholesome. Being a living breathing sexual being seemed to tarnish that. In relationships I’ve gotten to a place where it feels wholesome to be a pair of sexually satisfied individuals who are crazy about each other. Outside of relationships it’s a little harder.

For men the idea of a woman enjoying sex for the sake of sex seems initially like a dream come true, but I think this idea scares a lot of men too. I can think of a few reasons why this might be. When a woman loves sex she can become insatiable. This could create a fear that her partner might literally not be able to satisfy her. And indeed, I’ve been with men who just weren’t willing to have sexathons with me. This makes it hard for me to go back to vanilla or even dominant men. Dictating exactly how our sex happens means that I can also dictate exactly how long our sex happens, and I like it that way.

To bring this discussion back to female domination, a woman with whips and rope is scary enough. A woman with whips, rope, and intrinsic enjoyment? Terrifying. In mainstream media dominant women are almost always professionals (and submissive men are almost always sniveling worms, but that’s another topic for another day), and I think this is because it’s more comforting that way. Why would a woman do that? Ah of course, because she’s gettin’ paid the big bucks.

But women who enjoy dominating men do exist (as do women who enjoy dominating women and non-binary peeps). When you get to know us we’re not that scary. Sure, we might laugh at pain sometimes and might enjoy the thought of our partner tightly bound and wriggling to get free, but we live pretty normal lives. We work and/or raise kids. There’s still a give and take in our relationships. Ideally we find partners who love our our joyful torture as much as we relish administering it. And when you ask us, “Why don’t you try pro-domming?” we will say, “Why would I want to get paid for something that’s so much fun to do for free?”

Introducing Edward

I’ve been away for a while. Mostly, I think, it’s been hard for me to talk about kink and domination without referencing my current boyfriend at all. Now that it’s been several months since my breakup with FT, I think I will end that ban. I will call my boyfriend Edward. I want to preface this introduction to him by saying that he has not replaced FT. FT was my first submissive. There will always be a special place for him in my heart. He will always have a piece of me, and I will always treasure my piece of him. But life moves on and my dark interests persist. I’ve fallen in love with Edward (and still love FT). I hope that FT too can find happiness in someone who lives closer to him.

Edward and I have been living together for the past four months or so, so as you might imagine, my thoughts on D/s are rather tied up in him (no pun intended). We have a 24/7 relationship. Starting in November, we drew up a slave contract and I collared him. It’s not a permanent collar, but it’s nearly impossible for him to take off on his own. For the moment we renew this contract on a month-by-month basis so that we can discuss any amendments we’d like to make after experiencing what the rules feel like. At first the arrangement felt a little formal, but now we’re more settled and he has a better sense of how to discuss things so that he’s heard, but still leaves final decisions in my hands.

I’ll tell you a bit about our daily life because this was always something that I wanted to know when I was curious about 24/7 dynamics. When we wake he makes us breakfast and shaves his face (to make it smooth for me) as I doze. He has to ask permission to get on any furniture, so when he gets back he has to ask to get back on the bed. Usually I allow it, but sometimes I have him sit on the floor next to me. We have breakfast, and then usually play in some form or another. We then shower and get ready to go to our respective workplaces. Before we go he puts my shoes on me, kisses my feet, and kneels in front of me until I tell him to stand. Then we’re off to work. We generally go home together when our work days are complete, and  go through the shoe ritual in reverse. He takes my shoes off, kisses my feet, kneels and waits for his cue to stand. After that he has to get me water and strip naked. We go about our evening leisure activities with him on the floor and me on the furniture. Each night he has a short exercise routine that he has to go through to keep himself fit and healthy for me. Sometimes I join him, sometimes I just watch.

We try to have a bondage movie night about once a week. He loves getting tied up because he’s slightly claustrophobic and loves riding that edge.  I’m not that awesome at rope bondage yet, but I’m learning! I like how pretty he looks in it and the mental effects it has on him, but dislike how much time it takes.When I’m being lazy and want a similar effect I throw him in a straightjacket and blindfold.

Edward is not allowed to say no. As discussed in Domme Chronicles, saying no would essentially mean that he didn’t want to be my slave anymore. Occasionally he will express reluctance in one form or another, but a firm stare is usually enough to remind him of his place. Rarely, he has a legitimate reason why he can’t do something or has to stop doing something. For example, in our rules is the stipulation that our activities cannot interfere with his work. So if I were to order him to go to work in lingerie and nothing else, for example, he would have every right to say, “Sir, I can’t do that”. Really, that would be a violation of the contract on my part and would cause him distress because he doesn’t like denying me.

He is a treasured object. He makes my life better by being in it. He suffers beautifully, he obeys dutifully, he delights in my pleasure. I am proud to be his owner.