Category Archives: D/s Relationships

Learning how to top: From curious to competent

Today my blog turns two! First of all I’d like to thank my readers new and old for being interested in what I have to say and sharing me with their friends! Without your support and comments I would just be here talking to myself. Hopefully what I have to say helps some of you just as blogs like Bitchy Jones’ Diary helped me. In the spirit of helping, I decided to come up with some guidelines on how to go from a curious newbie to a competent top, as this is one of the questions I often get in my email and comments, and it’s never an entirely straightforward journey. I should note that this entry was a joint effort between Edward and I. I couldn’t have done it without him.

1) Identify and become comfortable with your interest in topping.

Realize that you’re kinky. This sounds easy, but it’s often not. Both Edward and I, to some extent, didn’t realize that what we liked to do sexually was a bit odd until we were in our late teens. Once you realize this, you also need to acknowledge that what you like to do requires special consent. You can’t just assume that because someone wants to make out with you they want you to gnaw the fuck out of their neck or pull their hair even if that seems perfectly normal to you.

You’re not an abomination. Once you realize you’re not quite ‘normal’, you also have to accept that you’re also not wrong. Just because the majority of people don’t like hurting consenting others, tying them up, or bossing them around doesn’t mean that you are evil for wanting those things. For me, I think it helped that I had to come out to myself as bisexual before I came out to myself as kinky. I grew up in a very religious household, but I had come to accept that my bisexuality was not an abomination and had learned to accept a humanist ethical code. I had already had several years to get comfortable with the idea that if your actions are not harmful to yourself or others, then there’s nothing wrong with them. It didn’t take me long to recognize that consensual masochism, bottoming and submission are not harmful to those involved.

Even if you are Christian (I’m afraid I’m not familiar with other religious texts: commenters feel free to pitch in) Matthew 7:12 says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”. Even though I’m no longer Christian, I still think this is a pretty good rule. While as a top you may not be interested in bottoming, if you can accept that others truly love bottoming, then you can see that both of two people can be fulfilled by engaging in BDSM together. And as a bonus, ‘sex’ doesn’t have to be involved!

As a follow up from the Golden Rule, you need to also realize that just because someone else’s kinks are different from yours doesn’t mean that theirs are wrong while yours are right. The kinky kaleidoscope is one of the beautiful things about human sexuality. Judge not lest ye be judged!

2) Identify what about kink interests you.

I use kink as an umbrella term for both BDSM and things that fall outside of (but often overlap with) the BDSM realm like fetishes. Just to clarify for the newbies, topping tends to be the person performing an action, regardless of whether that’s tying someone up, beating them, or telling them to sit still while being tickled. The BDSM alphabet soup stands for the following:

B is for bondage. Tying people up, wrapping them in Saran wrap/cling film, putting them in a cage or chaining them to the wall with cuffs are all examples of things a bondage top might do.

D is for domination or discipline. Dominants like to give orders that are dutifully followed by a submissive or slave. This can occur from a scene-by-scene basis (which can be for just a few minutes or several hours) to a constant dynamic (which is known as 24/7). Orders can consist of anything from, “Take off my shoes!” to “Hold this ball against the wall with your nose for an hour, and if it falls you will get one cane stroke for every minute shy of the hour”. It just depends on what the dominant and submissive are both interested in. It should be noted that not all dominants like administering pain, but some do.

S is for submission. This is where the BDSM acronym gets a little ridiculous as S actually stands for both submission and sadism. I know it’s a bit strange, but just go with it. Submissives can have a myriad of individual interests, but their main kink is doing things because their top/Dom/Owner said so. Whether it is kneeling at their partner’s feet while watching tv, reorganizing their dom’s library, or fucking the shit out of their dom, they enjoy being bossed around by the person of their choice. Note that submissives don’t necessarily like doing anything their top/Dom/Owner tells them to, and you should never assume that just because you’re a top a sub will do whatever you say. Furthermore, not every sub wants to be your sub, and you should never assume otherwise. Doing so would make you a douche dom.

S is also for sadism. If you are a sadist, then you enjoy other people’s pain. In the BDSM community, this often takes the form of impact play: some form of hittie thing (hand, flogger, cane, bullwhip) is used to inflict pain on a bottom or submissive. The motto safe, sane, and consensual is often used as an indicator of what’s ok when it comes to sadism (and topping generally). While sadists may enjoy the idea of people’s pain regardless of consent, it’s only ok to act on hurting people with their consent. Fantasies are one thing, but when it comes down to reality, if they didn’t say you could do that, don’t do it.

M is for masochism. A masochist enjoys pain. This doesn’t tend to be pain of the stubbing-one’s-toe variety. Masochists usually enjoy receiving pain from people they are attracted to. Masochists are not necessarily submissive. You can be a dominant masochist, a submissive masochist, or just a pure masochist with no desire for power games.

Switching. A switch is someone who likes being both top and bottom or Dom and sub (or in my case Dom and bottom). You may find that you’re just interested in one of these things, or you may be interested in trying them all out. Feel free to try a few things out before deciding what feels best for you. I should also mention that BDSM does not have to be sexual. While there often is a sexual element, some people experience BDSM as a non-sexual thing. If this is true for any of my readers, feel free to tell us more about that in the comments.

Fetishes. Overlapping with BDSM, and certainly within the realm of kinky, are fetishes. A fetish is when something non-sexual becomes a sexual stimulus. Strictly speaking, someone is only considered a fetishist if they cannot orgasm without this thing being present, but it’s often used in a more casual way to mean that the presence of said thing greatly enhances the sexual experience. Fetishists can be interested in BDSM, but don’t have to be. For example, a foot fetishist might like licking your feet because it makes him feel submissive, but he may also just love feet in the same way that many men love boobs. A good bit of boob touching, licking, etc. doesn’t make someone submissive, and similarly, liking to lick someone’s feet doesn’t necessarily make you submissive. Other common fetishes include furries (people who derive sexual pleasure from dressing up or seeing people dressed up as animals or some sort of human-animal combo), splosh (getting off on people being covered in wet or messy substances such as whipped cream, custard, mud, etc.), body piercings, hair (long, red, shaved, stubbly, you name it, someone has a fetish for it), leather, and latex. All of these fetishes can overlap with BDSM, but don’t have to, and there are many, many, many more fetishes. As above, if someone else has different kinks than you but is still playing in a safe, sane, and consensual way, be cool man, be cool.

Finding your kinks. If you have realized that you’re interested in being a D/s top, you need to figure out what kind of things you’d like to order your bottom/submissive to do. There are lots of options. Some people enjoy tease and denial (which can involve chastity), others enjoy being pampered with massages, some love dictating exactly what happens during sex, others enjoy giving pain to demonstrate power, while others revel in receiving pain in exactly the way they like. Some people (like me) enjoy all of these together (though not at the same time, that would be a little crazy). To get ideas about what you might like you can read erotica, check out some tumblrs, or just let your mind rove through all of the fun things you might like to explore. And remember, just because you don’t see what you envision in other people’s porn doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. There is no one way to be kinky.

3) Find a partner (whether for a scene or for life).

This can be tricky, particularly if you don’t live in a booming metropolis. It’s good to be open initially to trying out different roles and activities as long as they don’t just completely turn you off. Edward and I suspected that we were submissive and dominant, respectively, but we both started out playing in the opposing role because we found people we liked and wanted to get some BDSM experience even if it wasn’t exactly what we had in mind. We both enjoyed our experiences and learned a lot from them, but eventually were able to live out the roles we felt drawn to initially. Now we consider ourselves switches, though I lean dominant and he leans submissive. And while I would recommend trying out different roles, I wouldn’t recommend marrying a dom if you feel like you’re a dom until you’ve at least had a chance to dominate someone (unless you’re committed to having an open marriage).

You will have to put yourself out there a little bit if you want to find kinky partners. That can mean being open with your friends about it so that they might recommend another kinky friend to you, that can mean using a vanilla dating site that has a fair number of kinky folk, you can get involved in online BDSM forums, or go to munches (casual kinky meet-ups). I lived in a small town when I first started getting interested in BDSM, so I used a vanilla dating site to find other kinky people nearby. I met Edward at my local munch.

4) Plan a scene based on your own and your partner’s interests.

Now that you’ve identified what you’re interested in and found a willing partner to try things out with you, you need to plan a scene. First find some mutual interests, and then start plotting things out. You won’t always need to plan scenes, but Edward and I both found this to be a helpful tool when we were first topping as it allows you to relax a little because you know what’s coming next and aren’t pressured to come up with things on the spot. You can also use scene planning as a time to educate yourself. Do you want to tie someone up? Then you’re going to need to learn how to do that. This is a great list of references for BDSM jargon, starting relationships, bondage tutorials, safety, techniques and activities and more. Do you want to flog your partner? Then you need to know where on their body to do that. Here is a primer on impact play, which is any kind of beating with hands, paddles, floggers, crops, whips, canes, etc. A great book to start with to get good information on safety as well as some ideas for scenes is SM101. Another great resource for all sorts of kinky things is Kink Academy. Edward recommends thinking of the end result you want (i.e. your submissive tied up and begging to fuck), think of the steps necessary to get to that point, and then learn what you need to learn to do that in a safe and confident manner. Here is a list of ideas of actual activities to do. Feel free to comment with scene ideas for kinksters new and old (though indicate if the scene is for more advanced players).

5) Enjoy your scene and scenes to come.

You need to have a safe word. This gives you both the ability to end the scene at any point if either of you find it’s just not working for you. A common system is stop lights: green for all good, yellow to indicate that things are getting a little too intense, and red to indicate that the scene needs to be stopped immediately. Some people use the number system for impact play with new partners to get an idea of their pain tolerance. After a few strokes the top might ask the bottom how painful that was on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being excruciatingly painful and 1 being not at all painful. Edward has also used a squeezing system to check in with subs without interrupting the scene. You can take their hand in yours and they can squeeze once for good, twice for bad. If your bottom/sub is gagged, then you will need to give them a non-verbal way of indicating a scene should stop. For example, they can hold onto a ball that can be dropped if it’s all getting to be too much. Even when you have safewords, you still need to be observant. A bottom/slave may try not to use their safeword when perhaps they should, or they may enter sub space and become unable to safeword. Take things slowly when you’re getting to know a new partner. It’s better to stop a scene or slow it down a bit earlier than you both might like than to take things too far, and reach a point where that bottom/sub never wants to play with you again.

Don’t take your partner’s limits as your to-do list. If a new partner has told you that they are terribly afraid of clowns, you should not take this to mean that you should break out the clowns to really up the fear factor. In a long term D/s relationship a subs fears may be something that can eventually be explored (with their consent), but this is not where you should go for your first scenes. When they tell you what they like, listen to them and do some of that. If there’s some things that you love and they don’t mind, you can do that as well, but respect their limits.

Adopt an alter ego if that helps you. When it comes to actually carrying out the scene, things will often feel a bit unnatural at first. This is perfectly normal. While I’ve made a point of saying that women don’t need to wear corsets and heels in order to be dominant, if wearing a sexy outfit makes you feel powerful, then it may be helpful to use that at least for the first few times. However, if you feel most powerful in fluffy bunny slippers, then you should go with that. At first you might not feel like a very dominant person. Initially you might want to imagine someone whose power you admire and step into their shoes. This is the basic logic behind role playing – you can tap into an alter ego that allows you to do things you might otherwise find difficult. Maybe you want to become a doctor, a librarian, a professor, or a burglar. Anything that feels sexy and powerful to you could help you get into your top groove. If you don’t need this role playing to tie people up, give commands, or hurt them, then don’t worry about it, just be you. However, if you’re not sure you could do it on your own, but feel like you could with a little help from your alter ego, then go for it.

I first started getting interested in BDSM after I acted as a dominatrix in a play. I wore the traditional get-up of corset, high heels, make-up, and a flogger. When I did my first scene as a top I took these trappings with me, and they helped me assume the persona that I wanted. As I did more scenes I found I didn’t need those things in order to be dominant, but I do think they helped when I was nervous and unsure. An analogy for this is learning to play the guitar: some people can automatically start writing their own songs, but for most you learn other people’s songs first until you’re comfortable with the skill set, and then you can go on to express yourself. Similarly, tapping into a person or archetype’s power can help you as you learn new skills, and then once you have the basics down, you can start to make things up as you go along.

Use a blindfold. Another tool to use when you’re a bit nervous and unsure is a blindfold. I’ve been topping for six years now, but I still feel a little silly when I’m trying out a new bondage tie. What to do? Blindfold my slave! If they can’t see you as you retie a knot for the third time, you may feel a little more relaxed.

The end result looks pretty, but I did not get this right the first time around!

The end result looks pretty, but I did not get this right the first time around!

Don’t feel like you have to talk the whole time. Trying to figure out what to say during a scene can be difficult when you’re getting your bearings as a top. Feel free to give your bottom/sub clear instructions, but leave it at that. If your partner has expressed to you that they really like it when you talk to them, then follow Dan Savage’s basic dirty talk advice: say what you just did, say what you’re doing, and say what you’re going to do. If you get inspired along the way, then go with that, but don’t feel pressured to call someone a dirty little whore if that’s not what either of you wants. Edward particularly likes it when I tell him what I’m going to do to him because it builds anticipation. For example, “I’m tying you up now because I’m going to whip you later, and I don’t want you moving around too much when you’re in pain”. This adds a psychological element to play: sometimes fear of something can be even more intense than the actual event itself. However, when you’re just starting out, stick to basic instructions until you feel comfortable saying more.

If you enjoy a scene, you can always repeat it. Don’t feel like you have to craft a completely new scene each time you play with someone. If you really enjoyed a scene, and it went well, you can always repeat it. If you’re in a D/s relationship, you can even do it every day if that makes you both happy. Eventually it might even become a ritual, which can be a daily reminder of your D/s dynamic.

The scene won’t always go perfectly. Try to be flexible. Maybe you were planning on keeping your sub in a really difficult bondage position and flogging them until they had nice welts, but that position just isn’t working for them and their pain threshold is low that day. These things happen. If you deal with this well by changing positions or dialing down on the pain, you’ll be able to try again another day or find an equally sexy position that allows them to be more in the moment.

If you’re switching with a long-term partner for the first time, you need to treat them like a new partner. Edward and I switched for a month at one point in our relationship, and while some things went well, others didn’t because we both felt like we already knew each other, and thus did not need to communicate quite as much as we would usually do with a new partner. We forgot about the importance of debriefing, which I will cover next.

6) Aftercare and debriefing

Aftercare. After you’ve finished a scene, it’s important to give your bottom/sub some sugar either literally or metaphorically. If you’re casual play partners (particularly non-sexual ones) you may just want to fix them some hot chocolate and wrap them up in a blanket, but if you are sexual partners, then cuddling is usually a good idea. Check in and make sure they are all right. Bottoms and subs can experience what is called sub drop. A scene can often be exhausting, and create adrenalin and endorphins, so afterwords bottoms often experience a crash. Snuggles and sugar often act as an antidote. Tops can also experience top drop, which is a similar crash after a high, but is more from the psychological experience than the physical. These drops can occur anywhere from minutes to a day or two later, so just treat yourself and your partner nicely and know that if you’re a little sad after scenes, that’s perfectly normal.

Debriefing. Debriefing is particularly important with a new partner, but can be used with a long-term partner as well. After a scene it’s good to discuss what went well and what did not for both of you. If something didn’t work, it’s important to figure out why. When I was a submissive in my first D/s relationship one scene didn’t go well at all: I was having trouble relaxing or taking much pain. My dom stopped the scene and we had a chat and realized that I was mad at him because he said he’d arrive at 8 and didn’t get there until 10, and that was just completely keeping me from enjoying the scene. It wasn’t that the pain was too much or I didn’t like being wrapped in chains, I just wasn’t happy with him and needed to discuss that before being able to relax and let go. Similarly, it may be that a bottom can take lots of pain, but not when they are in a certain position. Finding out what specifically did not work will help you figure out what does work. Asking your partner what they would like to do again is also great because it allows you to create an experience that’s thoroughly pleasurable for both of you.

7) Continue exploring and developing new skills

Each partner is a new challenge. Don’t assume that what worked for you and your last partner will work with a new partner. Conversely, a new partner may have things they like to do that were off-limits for another partner. If you are switching, don’t assume that what works for you as a bottom/sub will work for your partner as a bottom/sub. Always communicate about interests, limits, and triggers before jumping in.

Approach new skills with humility. Just because you’re awesome at flogging people now doesn’t mean you can pick up a bull whip and use it without practicing first on something that isn’t your partner. I’ve been using paddles, floggers, canes, crops, and a dragon tail for awhile now, but when I got my mini bullwhip for Christmas, I knew that this wasn’t something that I could just start using on Edward right out of the box. Some skills need to be practiced alone before playing with others, and more basic skills should be mastered before moving on to more advanced skills. In the bondage world, for example, it’s best not to attempt suspension bondage before getting comfortable with safely tying someone up on the ground. When it comes to impact play, beginners can try leather straps, floggers, and crops with some basic information about where to hit, where not to hit, and cautions about wrap-around (when using a flogger, strap, cane, or any hitty thing with some length you need to try to avoid letting it wrap around the body, which can create deeper welts than the top was intending). When practicing these skills on a person, it’s best to do it on an experienced sub who will tell you when you’re hitting them in a bad location or when wrap-around is occurring. Similarly, some basic ties can be practiced on another individual right away, so long as the top is aware that they need to avoid cutting off the blood supply by leaving a finger’s width of wiggle room, and they have some bondage scissors so they can cut the bottom out of the ropes in case of an emergency (these scissors are used to ensure that in cutting your bottom out of bondage you don’t cut them too). Below is a table of activities appropriate for different skill levels and trust levels.

This is meant as a general guideline only and all of these activities require some degree of education with regards to safety risks. If you perform any of these actions you are agreeing to take full responsibility for them.

This is meant as a general guideline only and all of these activities require some degree of education with regards to safety risks. If you perform any of these actions you are agreeing to take full responsibility for them.

Decide how frequently you want to be dominant. How much you want to become dominant in your day-to-day life if you have a long-term partner is up to the two of you. This is a good guide to different levels of power dynamics. You may find that you like having this separate identity that you can step into and out of whenever you like. Conversely, you may find yourself wanting to become more assertive, decisive, and dominant outside of the bedroom as well. In my case, it was the latter. I grew up in a pretty traditional household with my father as the head of the family. I was socialized to always be nice and compliant. I was still sometimes bossy throughout school, and took the lead in group settings pretty naturally, but I wanted to use BDSM not only to explore my kinks, but also to work on becoming a stronger woman. A recent TED talk I watched suggests this strategy might work! This isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of assertive, decisive subs out there (or doms who don’t need the practice). Some subs may be happy to sub because they have to boss people around so much in their daily lives that they want a bit of a break. For me, domming is a path to growth as well as orgasms. Others may need different things to grow, or may like BDSM to just be a bit of kinky fun.

Keep an open mind. Things that you used to find weird may start to appeal to you as you come to understand them more. Be open to that, and allow yourself to change and evolve. One of the great things about kink is that it turns sex into a never-ending journey of discovery both of the self and of you partner. Enjoy the ride!

Slave Contract

My slave and I recently had our first ‘slaveaversary’, i.e. it has been a year since he entered slavery. With this, we also signed a new year-long slave contract that I thought I would post on here. When I was first looking into putting him into slavery I had a hard time finding sensible rules, which I think are helpful for both slave and Master. I stumbled across this contract and set of slave rules, which I then edited to fit our needs. We both know where the lines are because of this contract. Though it was nice to look back over it this year and think, “wow, we barely need this any more”. We’re basically getting to the point where the rules are just “you do whatever I tell you to do, but I won’t tell you to do something you can’t do, and I take responsibility for the results of what I’ve told you to do”. However, at least for this year, we still signed a contract. Not legally binding of course, but there so we know where we both stand at the moment. Without further ado, here it is:

Contract of Voluntary Slavery


1.1 Binding Agreement

This document, dated THIRTEENTH day of NOVEMBER 2012 (herein known as the “start date“), is a one year contract of voluntary slavery between xxxxx xxxxxx herein referred to as “Master“, “Sir“, “Her” or the related form “Master’s“, etc. and xxxx xxxxx herein referred to as “slave“, “sex slave“, “pain slave“, “servant” or “it” or the related forms “its” or “itself“.

The agreement consists of 8 main clauses with numerous sub-clauses within them and supersedes any previous contract or agreement.

slave, through signing this contract, is binding itself totally and completely, without limit (except as explicitly defined below), irrevocably to servitude to Master. slave relinquishes all legal and cultural (and both explicit and presumed) rights, privileges, prerogatives and status to Master to become Her property as a slave for Her to own and use as She sees fit.

1.2 Term

This contract is binding for one calendar year from the start date until 23:59 (GMT) on THIRTEENTH day of November 2013 (herein known as the “term of the contract“).


2.1 slave’s Affirmation

slave affirms that it is signing this contract of its own free will without pressure or coercion of any kind, that it is of sound mind and body and is not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. slave further affirms that it fully understands the meaning and implications of this contract and explicitly requests it be enforced in full, and at all times, as defined below for the duration of the contract.

slave understands that it will be used for sex as a sex slave, as a servant with domestic chores and duties and also as a pain slave for bondage and punishment sessions that will be real, inescapable, unstoppable and also severely painful.

2.2 Interference

slave requests that no third party group, individual, organization or body interfere in any way to prevent slave from fulfilling its obligations of servitude and obedience to Master as defined in this contract and for the full term of the contract.


3.1 slave’s Responsibilities


slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability serve Sir sexually in any way She requires.


slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability serve Sir as a servant performing any and all household duties including, but not limited to, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and generally maintaining Sir’s home when instructed to do so.


slave will willingly accept any punishment from Sir and for whatever reason, including purely for Sir’s pleasure as a pain slave, but within the limits defined in section 4 below. Punishment may take any form Sir deems fit including, but not limited to, corporal punishment, bondage, chastity, removal of privileges including food or sleep, hard work or degrading, humiliating or pointless tasks.


slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability immediately obey any order, or perform any action, demanded by Sir.


slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability obey all rules set out for it by Sir and live by them whether or not it is in Sir’s presence. slave is responsible for listing all such rules in a “rules of slavery” document. Rules for slave can be changed at any time by Sir and apply immediately.


slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability submit to any training, and any training methods Master wishes to use or apply to it to better serve Her to meet Her needs.


slave will always be completely honest and truthful and never lie to Sir or omit to mention all facts, actions or inactions, or any breaches of the rules and responsibilities inherent upon it through this contract and associated rules of slavery document.


slave will never make any excuses for any failures or any of its actions, inactions or any breaches of this contract or the associated rules of slavery document.


slave will show Sir the utmost respect at all times. This includes in any discussions, actions or activities with third parties and applies whether Sir is present or not.


slave will always endeavor to improve itself physically and mentally to better serve Sir.


slave will always be available to serve Sir when required except by prior agreement with Sir or for work or family responsibilities.


Sir has the right to define rules, for any period of time up to the term of the contract, that require slave to seek permission from Sir while in Her presence to perform any and all independent actions such as making sounds, moving, bodily functions like urinating and defecating, and eating, drinking and sleeping. Master may also choose to allow slave to perform any or all of these actions independently to avoid being bothered unnecessarily by slave’s base functions.

3.2 slave’s Veto


slave has no veto over any actions Sir wishes it to perform except within the limits defined in section 4 below or where such actions may result in prosecution under the law e.g. public nudity/indecency.


slave has no “safe word” to use to stop any action or punishment.


slave has the right to respectfully refuse to perform any action for, or accept any punishment from, Sir when Sir is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In such circumstances slave must, when Sir is no longer under the influence of alcohol or drugs, submit itself for any punishment Sir sees fit.

3.3 slave’s Possessions and Finances


Sir has the right to make full and unlimited use of all slave’s material goods, possessions and any other assets as Her own and do so whether slave is present or not. This includes, but is not limited to slave’s home, car, clothes, household or electrical goods and any bondage, punishment or other control items or materials.


Sir has the right to require Her slave to acquire any new material goods, possessions or assets as She sees fit up to the value of $500 per month.


slave will maintain an independent bank account and retain full responsibility for any saving and for any debts, or services provided, in its name including, but not limited to, mortgages, loans, taxes, and any household, food, clothing or utility bills. Sir has the right to inspect, at any time, any and all of slave’s financial records including, but not limited to, bank, mortgage, credit and debit card accounts.


Sir has the right to set financial rules for slave to live by – including severe limits on spending.


Sir has the right to make slave pay for any goods and services it uses while serving Her, or equivalent value goods and services to ensure it is not a financial burden on Her.

3.4 Sir’s Responsibilities


Sir accepts that slave is a valuable possession and as such Sir will keep slave safe at all times.


Sir will not instruct slave to perform any unsafe acts or anything that is listed in the limits defined in section 4.

3.5 Third Parties


slave may have no other ongoing partners sexual or otherwise without the express agreement of Sir. slave is permitted to play with others at parties or seize one-night-stand opportunities without consulting Sir beforehand, but will always use condoms for PIV or anal sex and play safely.  slave is required to disclose any and all play and/or sexual encounters to Sir in a timely manner.


Sir is free to have other female partners on an ongoing basis, and other male partners on a limited basis. Sir may see the same man sexually up to, but not exceeding once per month. Sir may play with people at parties or have one night stands whenever She wants without consulting slave, but will always use condoms for PIV or anal sex, and will play safely.


Master may expect slave to serve in public or private, alone or in front of others where such service is socially acceptable.


Master may instruct slave to serve another person or persons, transferring any or all Her rights and responsibilities under sections 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.3 of this contract and in the related rules of slavery document to that person or persons, for any period of time up to the term of the contract. Master may, or may not, be present while slave serves third parties but remains ultimately responsible for ensuring this agreement is adhered to by those parties.


Master may instruct slave to serve Her with other slaves where slave may have to control other slaves as a dominant alpha-slave, or to submit itself to another alpha-slave.

3.6 Disagreement


If there is any disagreement between Master and slave on the term of the contract or any of the clauses or limits within the contract then in all circumstances Master’s decision is final.


Alterations to the contract must be agreed with Master and slave and an amended contract with the agreed change must be signed. The term of the contract will not change as a result of any amendment unless agreed by Master and slave. Master, or slave, can veto changes.


4.1 Unsafe or Illegal Acts


Master will not submit slave to any unsafe acts, sexual or otherwise, including no scat. If any needles are used they will be sterile and antiseptic wipes will be used before and after. Master will not cut slave in any way that would lead to an unsafe loss of blood. Master will not leave slave in bondage unattended for more than 15 minutes. Master will cease any breathplay if any distinguishable song is hummed. This does not limit any oral use, anal use (with a condom if there is any risk of disease transmission) or drinking Master’s piss.


Master will not submit slave to any illegal acts, sexual or otherwise, including public nudity/indecent exposure without consulting slave, and no acts with children or animals will be performed.


Master will not knowingly expose slave to any sexually transmitted infections/viruses.

4.3 Work and Family


Master will not submit slave to any actions that may result in it losing its job or seriously impacting relationships with its family. Master will not submit slave to any actions that seriously detract from slave’s job performance.


5.1 Lapse


This contract will run for one calendar year from the start date (the term of the contract) after which time the contract will lapse and the slave is freed of its slavery to Master as defined in this contract. Master and slave are free to negotiate any new contract or to not continue the relationship.

5.2 Termination


Master has the right to terminate the contract at any time during the term of the contract.


slave has no right to terminate the contract until the term of the contract is complete.

5.3 Breach


Master has the right to severely punish slave for any breach of contract.


If Master breaches any of Her responsibilities or slave’s limits as defined in this contract then this contract is automatically terminated and slave is released from its slavery to Master if it so desires.

5.4 Goods and Assets


Any goods slave buys for Master or any goods it brings into its home for Master’s personal use or for Her use on slave will remain Master’s property at the lapse, termination, breach or transfer of the contract.


I hereby agree to be bound by the clauses and limits of this contract of voluntary slavery for the agreed term of the contract (one year from the agreed start date) between the two parties identified as Master and slave below.

Furthermore I agree that this contract will be held by Master and in the event of conflict with any other versions held securely online or elsewhere then the version held by Master will be deemed to be the authoritative copy.

Master: ______   _______________   Date: 13/11/2012

slave:   _______  ______________   Date: 13/11/2012



1.1 Outline


This document lists the rules of slavery that form part of the contract of voluntary slavery between xxxxx xxxxx herein referred to as, “Sir“, “She” “Master” or the related form “Sir’s“, etc., and xxxxx xxxxx will herein be referred to as “slave“, “sex slave“, “pain slave“, “houseboy” or “it” and the related forms “its” or “itself“.


This document consists of eight main sections with a number of sub-sections and then individual rules within in each of those sub-sections. All rules apply equally. If for any reason one or more rules may conflict in a given situation then slave must immediately seek instruction from Sir as to how it should proceed.

1.2 Purpose


slave has surrendered all its free will to Sir and exists as a slave only at the grace of Sir. The purpose of this document is to define the rules that Sir requires, expects and demands slave to live and abide by at all times and in all situations for the duration of the associated contract of voluntary slavery document.


Sir will enforce these rules with all the authority over slave granted, and gifted, to Her in the associated contract of voluntary slavery document. slave can expect to be severely punished, in whatever manner deemed appropriate by Sir for each and every breach of these rules.


slave must report each and every breach of these rules to Master.

1.3 Changes


Sir may add, remove or amend any rules in this rules of slavery document at any time either verbally, by SMS text message, email or any other form of communication. Any such new, removed or changed rules take effect immediately when issued by Sir.


slave must acknowledge any changes of rules back to Master immediately they are received via the same verbal, text or email media in which they were issued.


slave is responsible for updating this rules of slavery document with any new, removed or changed rules within a reasonable time period.


2.1 Relationships


slave will not have any form of submissive relationship with any other person – including online relationships except as defined in clause 8 below.


slave is allowed to talk to other slaves/subs/bottoms online about any subject including slave arranging training of its fellow slave as a potential sub-slave for Sir. slave must inform Master of any training that might take place.


slave is allowed to talk to women online, including those identifying themselves as a Mistress/Dom/Top, about any subject but when discussing BDSM, slavery and control lifestyles any requests for service will be subject to clause 8 below.


Sir has the right to inspect all SMS texts, emails, letters and any other correspondence, personal or otherwise, sent or received by slave.

2.2 Availability


slave must always be available to serve Sir and must ask permission for any activities other than work including, but not limited to, visiting friends or family, going out for a drink or to the cinema or going on holiday when slave and Sir are in the same country. Sir will however not cut slave off from family and friends by routinely refusing slave permission to visit them unless She has another use for slave either remotely or in person or slave is being punished.


slave must inform Sir of any work commitments outside of normal office hours as soon as they are known. Sir acknowledges slave is always on-call for work and may occasionally get called. slave is permitted to take calls without seeking permission outside of meal times, play time and sex. slave will not take calls during play time or sex. slave must ask permission to take calls during meal times, and must give forewarning if it knows that a phone call will be happening around a meal time.

2.3 Privacy


slave has no privacy and must be completely honest and reveal everything to Master about its actions, thoughts and feelings.


slave has no physical privacy unless explicitly granted by Master and may never shut itself away from Master by closing any doors other barriers for any reason except defecation.


3.1 Chastity


slave will not masturbate, cum or have any sexual release without express permission from Sir.


Sir may choose to keep slave in chastity, if necessary enforcing this with a 24/7 chastity device, for any period of time up to the term of the contract defined in the current contract of voluntary slavery. If a chastity device is used slave will have a tamper-proof mechanism of removing the device in an emergency.


Sir may inspect any chastity device at any time to ensure compliance.


Except in an emergency, any chastity device may only be removed with Sir’s permission. Minor problems such as discomfort or chafing etc are not emergencies and should be reported to Sir at the next opportunity and She will decide what action, if any, is required.


If slave needs to travel through an airport or visit the doctor etc then it must report this to Sir and agree how any chastity device is to be, temporarily, removed. Activities such as visiting the gym, going swimming or running do not constitute acceptable reasons for slave to request temporary removal of any device.

3.2 Appearance


slave must keep itself clean at all times. When with Sir, She will determine the cleanliness regime. When away from Sir the regime must include a daily shower, and teeth cleaning in the morning and evening.


slave, unless instructed otherwise by Sir, must keep its body hair and pubic hair neat.


slave must ask permission before it gets a haircut and must keep its hair short but not shaved.


slave will douche and plug as often as Sir requires.


slave is required to wear its collar at all times, unless instructed otherwise by Sir.

3.3 Expenditure


Sir currently sets no limits on what slave spends the money it is allowed (including on groceries, clothes, household goods, gifts, books, DVDs, bondage/punishment equipment) provided slave reports expenditures to Sir upon Sir’s request. slave will not make large purchases without first consulting Sir.


Although currently suspended Sir could set a weekly cash allowance for Her slave. Sir may set this allowance as high, or as low (including to zero), as She wants provided slave stays healthy and has enough basic provisions to feed itself one nutritious meal a day. slave will also always be able to spend what is necessary to get to work at an appropriate time.

3.4 Geographic Limitations


slave is free to travel to and from work without restriction.


slave is free to travel to and from the shops in and around Hong Kong without restriction.


When Sir and slave are in the same location, slave must get permission from Sir before making any other movements such as to the cinema, going out for drinks or to travel for reasons other than work, shopping or direct service to Sir within Hong Kong. slave will seek permission before traveling for reasons outside of work unless surprising Sir with a visit. Sir does not need to give any reason for refusing permission for slave to travel and slave has no right to ask for one.


Sir may restrict slave’s movements through command or physically by bondage or caging for any period of time up to the term of the contract within the limits of the contract of voluntary slavery (specifically slave is allowed to work and not to be cut-off from all contact with friends and family).


4.1 General


slave will ask what Sir would like it to wear when slave and Sir are home alone together.


slave is currently allowed to use all the furniture and all equipment in its flat when alone without restriction except the toilet seat.


slave must ask permission before using any furniture when Sir is home.


slave will make breakfast (including coffee) every morning or procure breakfast, unless instructed otherwise by Sir.

4.2 Physical Health


slave will maintain an attractive physique for Sir’s pleasure. Sir may give slave exercise requirements whenever She sees fit.


slave will drink moderately. slave is allowed to determine its own rules in this regard, but Sir may change them if they are deemed insufficient.



slave will maintain a healthy diet. it knows that its body belongs to Sir, and thus should be treated with reverence and care.

4.4 Sleep


slave must kneel beside the bed and ask permission from Sir to sleep in it whenever sleeping in the same bed. slave must never assume it has the right to sleep in the bed.


5.1 Written Communication


slave will always refer to Sir as “Sir”. The words “Sir“, “She“, “Her” or any other word referring to Sir will always start with a capital letter and “slave“, “it“, “its” and “itself” when referring to slave should always be in lowercase. slave will refrain from using capital letters when referring to itself. Failure to do so will not result in punishment, but slave is expected to conform to these standards when possible. slave is allowed to use the word i, but should still use lowercase when employing this pronoun.

5.2 Verbal Communication


slave will always answer Master with “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Thank you Sir” as appropriate when they are alone together. Words like “Okay” or just “yes”, “no” or “thank you” are not acceptable.


slave will always ask for things with the phrase “Sir, please may Your slave”.


6.1 General


Sir may choose for any period of time (up to the term of the contract) to require slave to ask permission for any independent actions while in Her presence including such things as moving, scratching, bodily functions like urinating or defecating or sleeping. Sir may choose to deny the request and slave must wait a reasonable time before asking again. If Sir is asleep slave may not wake Sir just for its needs (but may use the toilet in an emergency).


slave may not eat or drink anything in Sir’s presence without explicit permission from Sir. Once permission is granted, said drink or meal may be consumed without asking again for permission. In public when slave and Sir are eating alone slave will ask permission by looking at Sir and awaiting Her nod. When eating and drinking with others, slave does not have to seek permission.

6.2 In Public


This section applies to any location not defined as private, by Master or explicitly in section 6.3.


slave will retain respect for Sir at all times but will not, through this, draw attention to itself as a slave.


slave will walk slightly behind Sir at all times except when in an environment where slave is introducing Sir to new people.


slave is not a free man and as such will treat all third-parties with respect at all times unless instructed otherwise. This includes all adults irrespective of their age, job or attitude and applies to other slaves, subs or bottoms.

6.3 In Private


While Sir is in the apartment where slave lives then this becomes, for the purpose of these rules, Sir’s home and slave will act in accordance with the rules defined in this section. Sir may also, at Her discretion define any other location, where both She and slave are present, as Her home and require slave to act as per the rules defined in this section – this can include public locations such as bondage, fetish or S&M clubs.


Sir is free to determine the definition of private irrespective of any third parties that may be present and require slave to act in accordance with the rules in this section. If only other slaves or Masters are present (as defined by Sir) then this is automatically defined as private and the rules in this section apply.


slave will kneel as soon as it enters Sir’s home and will not stand until instructed to do so by Sir. If Sir and slave are coming home together, slave will remove Sir’s shoes and kiss Sir’s feet.


After standing, slave will get Sir water or confirm that Sir already has a sufficient amount of water. slave is responsible for keeping Sir’s water bottle full at all times.


slave will ask what Sir would like it to wearafter serving Sir Her water.


slave will not use any furniture without permission and will stay on the floor unless instructed otherwise.


Unless instructed otherwise slave will not touch computers, the DVD player, TV (and remotes) and ipods without permission. slave is allowed to turn off electrical equipment and lighting to save energy bills when not required by Sir or when Sir determines it is time to sleep. slave will not use its phone for non-work purposes without permission when in Master’s  presence. slave may use any of the aforementioned technology when Master is absent or sleeping, but must ask permission to use them upon Master’s return/waking.


Unless instructed otherwise slave may not perform any bodily functions (urinating or defecating) without explicit permission from Sir. If Sir is asleep and has not instructed slave otherwise it may make use of the toilet.


After completing any action slave will stand with feet spread hip distance apart, back straight, and hands palms up on its thighs in front of Master with its eyes down to await any further instructions. slave will also consider this its natural position and return to it in the absence of any other instructions.


While being punished slave will only make vocalizations it thinks would please Sir, but will be gagged if it gets too noisy or for Master’s pleasure.


Sleeping in Sir’s bed is a privilege that could be withdrawn at any time and slave may be told to sleep on the floor or in a cage. slave will normally be expected to sleep in bondage unless given permission otherwise.


slave may be locked in metal, leather or rope bondage, or locked in a cage, for long periods of time. In addition, slave will wear its metal collar at all times unless instructed otherwise.


slave will not remove any items put on it and will not touch any keys or locks without permission from Sir.


Any housework slave is told to do, as Sir’s houseboy may be inspected by Sir and slave will be punished if it is not up to the standard Sir expects.


slave will keep an open posture at all times while serving Sir. slave will make its body available for Sir’s use at all times moving to give Sir better or easier access as required e.g. moving its chest forward when Sir wishes to use nipple clamps etc.

6.4 Bathroom/Toilet


slave may only use the bathroom with permission from Sir. Sir may deny permission for as long as She wants but Sir will abide by the rules of the contract of voluntary slavery to keep Her slave healthy.


slave has no right to be released from punishment, bondage or caging for toilet or bathroom breaks but Sir will abide by the rules of the contract of voluntary slavery to keep Her slave healthy.


In a private space slave may not close the door to the bathroom or toilet while urinating unless given permission to do so by Master. slave may close the bathroom door when defecating.


slave must always sit down to urinate to remind it of its status as slave. Except in a public toilet, slave must not use the toilet seat and must use the rim of the toilet bowl to sit on.


7.1 For Rule Breaking


slave will be punished for any breach of the contract of voluntary slavery


slave will be punished for breaking any of rules of slavery defined in this document.


slave cannot stop any punishment no matter how long or severe although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.


slave will be expected to comply fully with Sir’s wishes or incur further punishment.


In all matters relating to punishment Sir’s decision is final and any attempt by slave to influence or change that decision will result in further severe punishment.

7.2 Refusal to Obey


slave may only refuse to obey an instruction if it breaches the limits or rules defined in the contract of voluntary slavery.


If slave cannot immediately obey an instruction it must kneel in front of Sir and state why it cannot complete the instruction and submit itself for punishment.

7.3 Regular Beatings


Sir will routinely severely punish slave in order to remind it of its status as a pain slave and to continually train it to better serve Sir and to be a better slave.

7.4 For Sir’s Pleasure


slave may be severely punished purely for Sir’s pleasure, and slave cannot stop the punishment although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.


slave may also be severely punished by any third party authorized by Sir if it pleases Her. slave cannot stop the punishment although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.

7.5 Punishment Protocols


Standard punishment for slave for an offence it commits will be hard strokes of the punishment cane. Sir may alter the punishment at Her discretion as She feels appropriate.


For an offence defined, by Master, as serious then slave will receive a beating which will be as long and hard, with as many implements and in as many positions as Sir deems appropriate.


Anger from slave for whatever reason, including using it to try to regain control of a situation will not be tolerated. Any display of anger by slave is a serious offence that will not end a session or punishment and, when the anger has passed, will result in punishment or further punishment.


Sir may choose to punish slave for any reason and change the rules governing punishment at any time.


8.1 Controlling Parties


Master has the right to nominate any other person or persons, as controlling parties over slave, for any period of time up to the term of the contract, with all Her rights and privileges as outlined in the contract of voluntary slavery.

8.2 Other Masters or slaves


slave will treat all other Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Tops with the utmost respect at all times but will never serve them, in any way, without explicit permission from Master.


If slave is approached by another Master/Mistress/Dom/Top in person, while Sir is in the same location it will politely inform the other Master it is not available to serve as it is the property of Sir and that they should enquire with Her if they would like to make use of it (exercising clause 8.1.1 above).


If slave is approached by another Mistress/Domme/Top in writing, online or via text or email will politely inform them that it is the property of Sir and that they should enquire with Her if they would like to make use of it (exercising clause 8.1.1 above).

Chastity – So much fun it will make your Dom propose

Edward has now been in chastity for around two weeks, and we’re really enjoying it. It makes him even more attentive than usual (though he’s pretty attentive to begin with), and makes him feel more mine. I was expecting those aspects of it because others have talked about going through similar processes. One thing I wasn’t expecting, however, was the effect it would have on me: him behaving more submissively actually seems to make me more excited about dominating him. I’m more likely to get distracted and aroused by thoughts of further ways to strip him of his feeling like his body is his own.

I went to visit him this past weekend after he’d been in chastity for around 10 days. As you might imagine, he was very happy to see me. He met me at the airport with stockings, a garter belt, and a butt plug on under his clothes. The latter was under my instruction, the rest was his effort to please me. We had a lovely brunch, and then went home. He removed my shoes and kissed my feet as he always does. We had to talk to his parents soon, so we knew we might not have time to have much sex yet. We made out with our clothes still on, rubbing up against each other, enjoying the feel of each others’ bodies. I took off my shirt and jeans, slipped my soft packing cock into my panties, and enjoyed watching him suck it for awhile. I removed his jeans and shirt to see his lingerie. He rubbed his caged cock against my free one from inside his panties, which felt very good. I had him remove my bra so I could feel his chest against mine. How I love that feeling. We continued kissing each other deeply and grinding against one another until it was time to talk get dressed and talk to his parents.

After meeting his parents for the first time on Skype, we got undressed again. I told him he had to make me come solely by biting my breasts before he could touch my cunt (I can come from pain). He licked, sucked, nibbled, and gnawed until I was convulsing in ecstasy. By then I was very wet and I let him feel as much. I told him how hot it made me to see him locked up and longing for me; how proud I was to have him as my slave. Before letting him lick me I strapped the cock gag to his face and rode it until I was squirting into his eyes, and all over his hairy chest. I asked him whether he wanted to lick me and of course he gave me an enthusiastic affirmative. I took the gag off, slowly lowered my cunt to his mouth and let him lick my labia, my clit, and my sopping wet hole. I filled his mouth with come until it started dripping down his cheeks and into his hair. Eventually, sated, I lay down beside him, kissed his dripping lips, and lay my head on his shoulder.

We looked into each others’ eyes and talked about how lucky we are to have each other – someone we are so compatible with both inside the bedroom and out; someone equally unusual and marvelous; someone who understands. I was planning on proposing to him in November, one year from when I first put him in his collar, but this moment seemed too perfect to let pass. I asked him to marry me, and he said yes. We had been planning on napping then, (I had come there on a 6:30 am flight) but now we were too excited. We reveled in the feeling that we get each other forever. We luxuriated in the realization that this is only the beginning. We were in a state of utter bliss – laughing and crying with joy intermittently. It was a lovely moment.

He asked me if I would let him out of chastity so he could feel me from the inside even if I wouldn’t let him come. I joked that I wasn’t going to let him out till our wedding night. Then, more seriously, I told him that first I was going to be inside of him. He went to remove the butt plug and clean his ass out while I strapped on my favorite double ended dildo with my harness to allow me to relax and fuck him as hard as I want while being able to get a lot of feeling too. I warmed his ass up first by slipping one, two, three fingers inside of him. Then I lubed up my cock and entered slowly with him on his back and his legs on my shoulders. I started languidly, then gradually increased my pace and force. I kissed him, spat on him, and pulled his hair. I came as I fucked him. Then I rolled onto my back. I wanted to watch him ride my cock. I wanted to see him hungry for my dick. I enjoyed watching him slide up and down me, experiencing both pain and pleasure, and not being able to touch himself because of the chastity device. Eventually it was obvious that it was more pain than pleasure, and I let him stop. We delighted in the fact that we will have the rest of our lives to do that. I want to make him come without touching his cock someday.

After holding him for awhile, I caned him. We have a rule that he must always sit down at home when peeing without the luxury of a toilet seat. A couple of months ago I found out that he hadn’t been doing so when I wasn’t around. In our rules, it wasn’t clear that he had to do it when I wasn’t there, so I told him that from that point forth he was going to sit without a toilet seat at home, regardless of my presence. He had forgotten this conversation, and persisted in using the toilet seat. He received 120 strokes – one for each time he would have peed at home. After that he kneeled in front of me, apologized, thanked me for correcting him and making him a better slave, and kissed my feet.

It was then time to let him out of his cage. He washed his cock, and I felt his nude body against mine for the first time in a month. His cock was raw in places where he had swelled against the CB6000*. That combined with just the excitement of my touching him made him shiver each time I lightly caressed his cock. I lubed him up so that I could enjoy him rubbing against my clitoris. He begged to be inside of me, and eventually I enthusiastically took him in, with him on top. It was hard for him to thrust for very long without coming, so I kept him deep inside of me as he bit my neck hard. I pressed my pelvis up against him as he did so, and felt myself contracting around him. We did this a few times before I let him resume thrusting, and then finally let him come with me

We then showered, dressed, and went out to a delicious dinner with champagne to celebrate. I imagine that’s different from the way that most people get engaged, but for us it was perfect.

*It seems the CB6000 is a bit too small for him. Anyone out there have recommendations for a good device for a large cock that isn’t too heavy? He’s around 4 and 3/4 inches when flaccid, but doesn’t have huge balls, so many devices that are large enough for his cock will slip off because of the weight.

The intersection of performative masculinity/femininity and dominance/submission

A few posts back I discussed performative masculinity, and how to move beyond it. Today I want to discuss the difficulties posed by the intersection of expectations for males and females combined with expectations for dominants and submissives. I’ve hinted at this in previous posts, but here I want to address it head on. It’s difficult as a female dom or a male sub to figure out your own identity and your place in ‘the scene’ because your prescribed roles are in conflict. To be performatively feminine is to be submissive, and to be performatively masculine is to be dominant. By choosing or feeling yourself led to a place of feminine dominance or masculine submission, you are entering a no-man’s land where expectations are unclear and by your mere existence you are subversive. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Before we go any further, let’s define some terms. These are taken from Informed Consent‘s BDSM Dictionary.

Bottom: A bottom may be male or female. Within BDSM, the bottom is the partner who is the recipient of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation. A top performs acts such as these upon the bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the bottom is the receiving partner, or a person who prefers the receiving role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.Top: A top may be male or female. Within BDSM, the top is the giver of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation upon their partner, usually a bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the top is the giving partner, or a person who prefers the giving/active role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.

Dominant: As an adjective, “being” dominant is about exercising influence or control. Governing matters; being in charge. Predisposed to taking over and wanting to maintain power.

Submissive: As an adjective, “being” submissive is wanting to or being willing to submit to orders or wishes of another.

Switch: In BDSM, a switch is someone who participates in BDSM activities as both a top and a bottom, or possibly both a Dom and a sub. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. Switches are very common; partners may switch roles based on mood, desire, or being with a different partner.

Let’s look at the ‘act like man box’, the ‘act like a woman box’, the ‘act like a dominant box’ and the ‘act like a sub box’. The first is mostly taken from Charlie Glickman’s ‘act like a man box‘, which was created through workshops wherein people were asked to describe a ‘real man’. I created the subsequent boxes based on what I think people are often saying when they tell someone to act more feminine, dominant, or submissive, respectively.

The BDSM Hierarchy

As you can see, how to act like a man neatly maps onto how to act like a dom, and how to act like a woman neatly maps onto how to act like a sub. In this way, heterosexual M/f couples (male dominant, female submissive) wherein the man is a sadist (enjoys giving pain), and the female a masochist (enjoys receiving pain) can easily perform their two roles flawlessly at the same time. This is exemplified by the wildly popular Fifty Shades of Grey. This book is able to be so easily consumed because it doesn’t trample on anyone’s preconceived notions of what it means to be male or female, dominant or submissive. The M/f couple then, can be at the top of the BDSM hierarchy, with the male dominant on top of course because he’s dominant (and dominants are supposed to be superior).

Where do female dominants and male submissives land in this hierarchy? Female dominants get a higher place in the BDSM hierarchy than male submissives because even though they are stepping outside of the ‘act like a woman box’ 1) they too are dominants, which are intrinsically better than submissives according to our boxes, and 2) they are taking on masculine traits, which lifts their status rather than lowers it. Therefore, the hierarchy is topped by male dominants, then female dominants, then female submissives, and then male submissives. The latter group find themselves at the bottom of the heap because, like female dominants, they cannot reconcile their two roles, but unlike femdoms their new role takes them down a peg rather than boosting them up the ladder. The fact that their desires and behavior go outside of the ‘act like a man box’ threatens all men who are concerned with performing masculinity, but particularly dominant ones. It makes them more aware of the man box, and more dedicated to staying inside of it. In fact, most people who are not dominant women (or dominant gay men) are disconcerted by them because they are willingly forsaking their privileged role. In this way, submissive men are devalued. This is why male submissives end up as the ultimate joke, as we see in Pulp Fiction: they make everyone who is performing their gender uncomfortable.

It seems the F/m couple get the short end of the stick, but this doesn’t have to be the case. While an M/f couple might easily fall into their roles since the prescriptions for both their sex and their power dynamic are in line, an F/m couple is forced to more carefully pick and choose what they want. As an analogy, the M/f couple are able to pick out a suit from a rack at a store. It might not fit them perfectly, but it fits well enough that they don’t really notice the imperfections, or they make a few minor adjustments. The F/m couple on the other hand, is an entirely unconventional shape. They have to go to a bespoke tailor because nothing on the rack fits. Going bespoke costs more emotionally and psychologically. However, in the end, they come out with a suit that fits perfectly. An M/f couple is able to lead an unexamined life, for the F/m couple, that is nearly impossible.

Throwing out the bad

Trying to ‘act like a female’ and ‘act like a dominant’ at the same time can lead to some strange combinations that can be dissatisfying to those involved. I’ve mentioned before the frigid ice queen archetype who maintains her lack of sexual desire, but combines it with sadism and controlling her partner’s orgasm (often giving him none). This is fine if it’s what a woman actually wants, but all too often it is construed as how a dominant woman is supposed to behave. Even in non-kinky contexts women are told that in order to maintain control over their man, they need to withhold sex. I find this idea repugnant, and in my experience it is simply false. I have sex with my submissives early and often, and yet somehow they still do exactly what I tell them to. It’s almost as if their desire for sex isn’t the only thing that dictates their behavior! I have explained before that I would never put my submissive in permanent chastity because I enjoy riding his cock too much, and I know I’m not the only female dominant who has penetrative sex with her partner for fun. A woman only loses power when she has sex if her partner is a douchebag who thinks that sex is the only thing a woman has to offer and/or that a woman is spoiled goods once she’s been fucked. Why would a woman want to control a man who thinks either of those things? Many of the attributes in the ‘act like a woman box’ are ridiculous and should be (and fortunately are slowly being) discarded. This isn’t to say that a woman should want sex all the time, but rather, she shouldn’t feel like less of a woman if she does.

Similarly, trying to ‘act like a man’ and ‘act like a submissive’ can lead to some strange results too. For example, some men overcompensate by being an asshole (violent, competitive, and angry) to everyone but their dominant. This doesn’t solve any problems. Other men forsake the ‘act like a man box’ altogether and portray themselves as useless worms ripe for humiliation. As I’ve said before, and I’m sure I’ll say again, what fun is it bringing a man to his knees if he was never standing tall to begin with? Confidence and a comfort in one’s own skin are attractive traits in anyone, male or female, dom or sub. While we shouldn’t try to stay inside of our boxes, we also shouldn’t try to stay entirely outside of them because that can be equally limiting.

Keeping what works

Just like with the ‘act like a man box’, the best way to conquer all of these boxes is not by rejecting them flat-out, becoming the reciprocal of what the box indicates, but rather by picking and choosing what works for you. Rejecting the box can make one feel just as trapped as trying to conform to it. As Glickman describes,

They had to do everything that was inside the [Act Like a Man] Box. I couldn’t do anything that was inside the Box. They couldn’t show sadness or fear. I couldn’t show anger. They had to be aggressive. I became really passive. They had to make their needs come before other peoples’. I wouldn’t state my needs or desires, and I never let myself come first.

A woman doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a woman box’ in order to be dominant, and a man doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a man box’ in order to be submissive. Neither do they have to conform to everything in the ‘act like a dominant’ or ‘act like a submissive’ boxes. This applies to M/f, F/f, and M/m couples too, but I will be focusing on what this looks like in the context of an F/m relationship.

Many women enjoy conforming to the ‘act like a woman box’ to some extent, and want to maintain that femininity while being dominant. Similarly, many submissive men like being masculine in some respects. For example, a female dominant might enjoy being nurturing, romantic and wearing make-up most days. None of these things are actually in conflict with being dominant, so have at it! Some submissive men might like being muscular, assertive, and decisive.  This doesn’t actually prevent them from obeying their dominant, so there’s no conflict. The same goes for deciding how to be dominant and submissive. You say you like tying men up and jumping their bones, but don’t want to fuck them in the ass? Not a problem. You like both biting and being bitten? You’re both going to have some bruises to hide. The only thing that should dictate what happens within any D/s relationship is the interests and consent of the two (or three, or four, or more) people involved. Don’t let yourself get boxed in or boxed out.

Guidelines for making your own bespoke D/s relationship

Here are some guidelines for creating a D/s relationship that uniquely suits your own and your partner’s needs and desires. They are not necessarily meant to be followed in order. Many people, for example, only figure out what kind of D/s they are interested in after finding that someone else is interested in it. This list is not exhaustive, but can be applied to any relationship regardless of sex or orientation.

1) Identify what interests you about D/s. Is it the service aspect? Do you love suffering for someone else’s enjoyment? Does it make you hot when you tell someone what to do and they comply? Is your greatest fantasy having someone dictate what you wear and how you behave in order to please them (slave training)? Whatever the crucial part of your desires are, make sure these are being met by your partner, regardless of your role.

2) Find someone with interests that are similar or reciprocal to your own. Whether it’s online (Fetlife, CollarMe, Informed Consent, OK Cupid), at a munch, through a friend, or through your local polyamoury group, kinky people tend to be more comfortable with their whole selves when they can be with someone who accepts and appreciates all of them.

3) Don’t be afraid to experiment. Fascinated by bondage, but don’t know whether you want to tie or be tied? Try both! Your girlfriend says she’ll let you fuck her in the ass if you let her fuck you in the ass? Go for it!

4) Don’t let fear dictate your actions. As an example, if a man doesn’t want a plug in his ass because he’s afraid it will hurt or tear, that’s one thing. However, if he’s afraid that it will make him less of a man, that’s another. Being afraid of being less manly is equivalent to saying that being female is inferior to being male. Being afraid that it will make you gay is similar.There’s nothing wrong with being gay, so why should you be afraid that something would make you appear gay? Furthermore, liking things in your ass doesn’t make you gay. Avoiding things because you fear they will make you seem feminine, gay, or submissive reinforces sexism, homophobia, and domism.

5) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Have an ongoing conversation about your kinky likes and dislikes. They may evolve and change – in fact, they probably will.

6) Explore novel ways to have sex. No sex act is inherently dominant or submissive. Experiment with ways to keep the power dynamic even when doing something that ‘doms don’t do’. For example, giving a blow job might not seem very dominant at first, but when you add in a man begging you to lick them and begging you to come, you’d be amazed at how it’s magically transformed into a dominant act.

Parting thoughts

As Cat Stevens would say,

You can do what you want

The opportunity’s on

And if you find a new way

You can do it today

You can make it all true

And you can make it undo

Whether you’re male, female, trans, genderqueer, intersex, gay, straight, or pansexual, the way that you do D/s is up to you and those you play with. Don’t let boxes get in the way of your bedroom fun. Try to find your authentic desires, and don’t let your fears get in the way of realizing them. To do so is letting down not just yourself, but also others who would benefit from playing in a world without performative boxes.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to PWN, Edward, and my roomate for helping me edit this.

D/s and Polyamoury: Incompatible or merely strange bedfellows?

I consider myself to be polyamorous. I’ve actually had open relationships for the most part since I started having sex. However, I’ve never successfully been in two concurrent love-type relationships. There have been a few times when I’ve dated two or three people simultaneously and cared a great deal about all of them, but I’ve only had a maximum of one person at a time to whom I say “I love you”. Being poly isn’t easy. I’m not one of these fortunate people who was born without a jealous bone in their body. I’ve always been quite confident about what I mean to my loves, but I still get a dull ache sometimes when I think of them with others, particularly others I don’t know well.

This causes some interesting quirks when working towards ownership. I enjoy a rather intense style of domination. I like the idea of having a 24/7 relationship. I would like, eventually, to own someone; I’d like to have a slave. This is antithetical to the polyamorous ideal that people are not possessions. It’s one thing to think of a submissive and I choosing a third partner together, but the idea of them independently finding and dating another that I don’t know or necessarily like poses a problem when everything is supposed to go my way (and their way through my consideration of our needs and wants). This is rather selfish, but when FT was in love with someone I’d never met before it made him feel less mine. I don’t know what to do with that.

You can always do the, “we only date people once our mate approves of them” or “my primary partner has veto power”. But that just seems unrealistic for several reasons: a) poly people often come with other lovers who they already care a great deal about; b) telling a person who treasures freedom, “no, you can’t have them” often causes them to fixate on said person; and c) limiting who my partner can and cannot date feels like a betrayal of my poly sensibilities.

So how do you give freedom and enslavement simultaneously? I think ultimately it comes down to different layers of the relationship. First you’re friends, then lovers, then partners, then Dom(me)/sub. All the other layers have to be functioning for the exterior layer to work. Poly is more on the partner level (or boyfriend/girlfriend, but I wanted something more gender neutral). The Dom(me) can’t force a relationship style on the submissive. That’s the kind of thing that has to be agreed upon and consented to, and can ruin a relationship if both parties are not honest about their wants and needs with regards to it.

The only problem with this is that it can tamper with the suspension of disbelief. Living a 24/7 relationship is allowing a fantasy to become, for the most part, a reality. However, the reality has to come before the fantasy in importance. This does not take away one’s love of the fantasy though, and reminders that ultimately both individuals are equal can be somewhat annoying. So what do you do? Well, the Dom(me) learning to feel compersion would certainly help, so that they would actually enjoy the sub’s being with others rather than merely tolerating it. Alternatively both parties could be limited to dating others as a couple. Or you can have an unequal arrangement that the sub is actually happy with: cuckold fetishists, for example, wouldn’t mind a totally unequal arrangement, but it’s not unequal in that they are still thoroughly enjoying it.

What kind of arrangements have you all come up with? Enjoyed? Hated? Do you experience compersion? Did it happen automatically or did it take some sort of practice?

Sad news

FT and I broke up. It was rather unexpected. We had a wonderful month together, I’d been back for a couple of weeks, I started to see a new guy and it made FT jealous. I thought it was just a normal bout of jealousy, the kind that happens in all poly relationships every once and awhile, but it wasn’t. He gave me an ultimatum – new guy or him. A very tearful discussion led to me deciding to part ways. I love FT. I always will. However, it was uncertain whether we would be able to live in the same country even in a year’s time, and the situation just made me feel trapped. FT realized that he couldn’t bear being there (not literally, but figuratively) with me while I’m with another male sub and I wasn’t prepared to not be able to see any other male subs. I haven’t really wanted to sub to anyone since I was 19 (so male doms are kind of out) and it’s really hard to meet a woman who is compatible with me and poly, particularly in this city.

So I’m bummed. I didn’t want this relationship to end. However, I think it’s probably the best thing for us at the moment; even for him. He keeps giving up everything to be with me a month at a time, and while I really appreciate that and it’s incredibly romantic, he needs to do what’s best for him too. However, I’m still applying to life opportunities near him, and if our paths cross I’m open to being reunited. We had a really good thing and I miss him terribly already. Long distance sucks.

I’m not sure what will happen in this space in the next few months.  I want to keep blogging, but he has always been an integral part of this. Deeply Deviant is going to turn into a more traditional, not so many of my pictures, tumblr. I’m planning on continuing this blog with more theoretical issues addressed and less personal anecdotes for the time being. Currently there is a series of interviews on religion and kink that I’ve been working on with Dishevelled Domina that will soon come to fruition.

The Makings of a Pain Slut

I recently decided to make FT into a pain slut. He’s pretty good at taking what I give him impact-play-wise, but, being the sadist I am, I’d like to go further. Eventually it gets to a point where it’s just too much for him. We don’t use a safe word, so I have to pay attention to when pushing further is going to be a step too far (though I recommend safe words for anyone starting out with a new partner; FT and I have been together for a good long while). So we’ve had a few annoying situations when I’ve had to stop when I felt like things were just starting to get interesting. This led me to thinking: perhaps I could train him to like pain more. I still want to hurt him in a way that he doesn’t always like, but having a higher pain tolerance and more of an erotic association with pain definitely helps one reach higher levels of pain without having to stop a scene.

Thus the process began. It started simply: slapping his inner thighs (hard) while giving him a hand job. That left some nice marks. Then came a scene that I’ll describe in detail because it’s nice for me to have a record of it:

I pushed his legs apart and locked him into the black ankle cuffs at each end of our spreader bar. I had strung the wrist restraints up so that they were hanging from the ceiling, and locked his wrists into them. He was at my mercy. He could not escape even if he wanted to. But of course, he didn’t want to. Yet. I started by warming him up – black suede flogger to start with; thuddy but soft sensations all over his back and ass. Eventually I hit him harder, packing quite a wallop but no sting.

Then a spanking. Smack, smack, smacksmacksmacksmack. Till I had a nice rosy bum to sink my nails into. The first noises were emitted. Then I brought out a harder leather flogger with which to bring the pain up to the next level. Thwack thwack thwack thwack – a nice steady pace with varying intensity against his torso and rear. Once he started wiggling away from me I knew I was getting somewhere. I walked around to face him. Kissed him deeply and then stood away so that he was falling towards me but couldn’t quite reach me because he was bound. His cock was beautifully dripping for me. I came up behind him, kissing his neck, and stroked his cock. I stroked him while spanking him, and stopped just before he came. Then the flogging recommenced.

After flogging came the riding crop. I made a lovely little arc of marks, framing his bum nicely. More edging followed. Then it was time for the caning. I decided on 20 this time. Ten for each cheek, and I wasn’t going to go easy on him. He counted out loud for me and made delicious noises as I went along – little yells, getting his breathing back to normal, guttural moans – mmmm. After ten I edged him again, getting him right to the tipping point and then stopping all contact before returning to his beating. The escalation was wonderful to watch. The tensing and relaxation, the little movements that some wouldn’t even notice. Finally, we reached 20. I stood naked before him and let our flesh slowly intermingle. Nipples first, then bellies, then thighs, then sexes, then mouths. He was totally spaced. 🙂 “What a good little pain slut you’re becoming”, I told him.

I took him out of his bindings and led him over to a chair. I sat down and then pulled him by the hips so that he was sitting in my lap. I kissed and bit the back of his neck, ran my fingernails down his thighs. I peered over his shoulder and enjoyed looking down at his body from a nearly first-person view. I sometimes have fantasies of being a man, so this is an angle that pleases me. I reached around and began jerking him off as I continued to bite and scratch. This time when he got to the edge and asked, “May I come please Sir?” I said yes, and he came emphatically over the floor.

I don’t remember much after that, however, I highly suspect we retired to bed for snuggles and then perhaps more shenanigans.

This is only the beginning of his training and I can’t wait to be back with him again to continue in person. At the moment we’re in separate countries once again. Any recommendations for long-distance training?

Biological determinism and D/s: Gendered archetypes, cuckolds, flower rooms, and penis-fencing

My boyfriend recently stumbled across a blog that claims that male submissiveness is not an evolved trait. It implies that male dominance and female submissiveness, on the other hand, are. While this post is really a load of bollocks and I debated whether to even dignify it with a response, I decided to do so because it made my boyfriend a bit worried that one day I’ll realise that I need a domly dom and not my wonderful, submissive boyfriend. This fear is compounded by the fact that I’ve switched a bit in the past and when we first got together, we only really expected to see each other for three months because I was leaving the country. However, we fell in love and decided to find a way to make it work. In just a few days time I’ll be with him after a few months of being away. 🙂

Enough of the pleasantries, back to the slaughter. This essay bastardizes a bastard science. Evolutionary psychology is a bit spurious to begin with. Some of it is comprised of legitimate findings, while some of it consists of surveys designed to find sex differences and bolster an antiquated notion of man as breadwinner and stud and woman as home-maker/baby-making-machine and coy (*cough* anything David Buss ever worked on *cough*). Even if we assume that the findings of evolutionary psychologists are legitimate (which to be fair some are), this essay bastardizes them. Here’s the gist of the author’s argument against male submissiveness being natural:

Even more fundamentally, why do females want to engage in extra-pair sex? (and risk losing their long term partner and his contribution.) They do this when a “fitter” (in terms of long term reproductive success) male comes along, that her genes will benefit from mixing with in her pool of offspring.

(This is a bit like the man who asked his wife, after seeing Indecent Proposal, “Would YOU sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” She replied, “Yes, but they’d have to give me some time to come up with the money.”)

In these encounters, the man is of higher status in the “market” than the women, and he is exchanging his fitter genes in return for access to her womb (and the resources of the poor sap at home who is supporting her day in day out.) Consequently, he doesn’t need to submit to her, since he’s in something like a seller’s market.

And as I’ve outlined above, men in long term relationships supporting women and their offspring need to control them (at least as far as their sexual encounters with other men goes.) If they don’t, their line dies out, since other, higher status men, win out. (They are documentated cases of pre-industrial societies where 50% of each generation are offspring of the village chief, one way or another, so this danger is very real.)

For these reasons, we argue that male submissiveness is not an adaptive trait which has been selected for (that it “does not have a genetic basis” and is “not part of human nature”.)

This passage drastically conflates several concepts. Studies have shown that women are attracted to different men at different points in their menstrual cycles; more feminine male faces most of the time, and less feminine (but still not uber-masculine) faces during ovulation (when conception is most likely) (Penton-Voak et al., 1999). Evolutionary psychologists take this as an indication that the ideal mating strategy for women is to have a more feminine long-term partner, and occasionally cheat on them with a less feminine man when the likelihood of conception is high (because these less feminine men supposedly have ‘better’ genes). In fact, they argue that the reason why women have concealed ovulation now (we don’t have bright red swellings when we ovulate these days) is so that women can trick their long-term partners into raising another man’s child. Firstly, the study to which I’m referring did not look into dominance at all. Secondly, studies that have found some sort of dominance to be attractive have been looking into social dominance, not sexual dominance. Most of these are still based on perceptions of dominance when looking at pictures of faces. Even studies that have used behavioral displays simply involved things like competitiveness against other males. I hardly see how being sexually submissive to one female would make a man less competitive towards other males.

Contrary to the author’s misconceptions, a man can be assertive, confident, well-spoken, and attractive to potential partners….and be submissive to that special woman who makes him want to feel used. Keeping your long-term partner satisfied is an excellent method of mate retention. I highly recommend it. Plus, even if we took the author’s assumptions as truths: that ‘feminine’ meant ‘submissive’ (which it doesn’t), and that the jargon that evolutionary psychologists use when talking about dominance and submission mapped onto the BDSM scene (which it doesn’t) then women would be more attracted to submissive men three-fourths of the time, and would be more likely to have long-term relationships with submissive men. Even if one in five children were conceived through extra-pair copulations (which is about the current rate), that would still leave four out of five children as the offspring of submissive men. Congratulations. Your argument is totally bogus.

The Flawed Assumptions of Evolutionary Psychology

Now let’s move on to some of the author’s claims that have less to do with his own misinterpretations, and more to do with the flawed assumptions of evolutionary psychology. The author states,

If a human male can control his long term sexual partner, he gains by being able to put resources into supporting her offspring with some confidence they are also his offspring. If this isn’t possible, then males and females become solitary rather than mated because it’s not in males’ interests to offer that support. The fact that humans, unlike many other species, haven’t lost this behaviour, shows that this confidence has largely been present during the period of human evolution.

The main crux of the author’s argument is that men are more willing to invest in a woman and her children if he is certain that the children are his own (which is an accurate portrayal of the idea of ‘paternity certainty’ in evo psych), and that male dominants are in a better position to do this, so they win. The problem is, while this assertion has been supported in post-industrial societies, there is no evidence that this inclination is evolved. In fact, research suggests the opposite.

The idea of ‘paternity certainty’ assumes a level of biological knowledge that was most likely not present in the Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness (the time during which we evolved to our present state). During this time, the archaeological record suggests that humans were hunter-gatherers. Currently there are several hunter-gatherer societies, such as the Ache, in different parts of South America that believe in ‘partible paternity’. Partible paternity is the idea that several men can be the biological father to one child. In fact, it is believed that it is better for a child to have multiple fathers because each one can contribute different things: one might be a good hunter, the other might be a good dancer, another might be particularly handsome (Becker and Valentine, 2002). It has also been found that children with multiple fathers in such societies are more likely to survive. This has been corroborated in other species as well: for example, in baboons, if multiple males copulated with a female during her estrus, then more males are likely to defend the resulting infant, and these infants are more likely to survive (Hrdy, 2003). So, contrary to the author’s argument, a woman having sex with multiple men during her fertile window might actually improve mating success for both men and women.

Female Domination

The author also claims that there are no human societies led by women, and therefore implies that women must not be naturally dominant. There are no human societies that mirror the way that males attempt to control females by limiting their access to the outside world and chopping up their gentials so they can’t experience pleasure. However, there are and their have been matriarchal societies. A good example of this is the Mosuo of southern China, who still function today. Rather than having marriages, a woman (and any brothers and sisters she has) will live in her mother’s household her entire life. When a girl reaches sexual maturity, she is given her own room that opens both into the family courtyard and out to the street (called her ‘flower room’). She can have as many lovers as she wishes; the only rule is that they must be gone by morning. Any children she conceives will be raised in her household by her family – her mother, sisters, and brothers (Ryan & Jetha, 2010). Jealousy still exists, but Ryan and Jetha (2010) explain: “Openly expressed jealousy, for the Mosuo, is considered aggressive in its implied intrusion upon the sacred autonomy of another person, and is thus met with ridicule and shame” (p. 129). In this way, both men and women are free to have sex with whomever they like. Reproductive success is then based not on the ability to control another person, but rather on how pleasant interactions in a woman’s ‘flower room’ are.

I shall end this discourse with a thought experiment. Let’s say that we have evolved behavioral dispositions. The two species that are most closely related to us are the common chimpanzee and the pygmy chimpanzee, or bonobo. In the former, males are dominant: there is one alpha who has basically unlimited access to all females, and then there is a hierarchical chain that is highly correlated with number of copulations. Sex only really happens during estrus, which is a relatively small proportion of time. All sex is dorsal-ventral (‘doggie’-style). In the latter, females are dominant. All the adults have sex with each other, and sex occurs throughout the menstrual cycle. The range of sexual behaviors is much more diverse. Bonobos are the only other species to engage in sex face-to-face. They also engage in oral sex, manual sex, genito-genital rubbing (rubbing clitorises together), and ‘penis-fencing’ (rubbing cocks together). Which species would you rather be descended from? Which species’ sexual behavior sounds more like that of humans? In reality, we have descended from a common ancestor of both of these species. We have the potential to have societies like either of these, or something rather different from either. Genes do play a role in some of our cognitions, but the ecology and social history in which a society exists, as well as the separate experiences of individuals also play a hugely important role.

Good, Giving, Game…and Dominant

Some of the comments on my previous entry inspired me to write this one. Tab remarked:

I completely agree on your point about being a Dom just being the leader, and that acts do not make the Dom. I’m a male dominant who enjoys being fucked, even by women. Most people who know this about me find it confusing, especially in the BDSM community.

Maybe one day we’ll get over this idea that fucking means in charge.

Femdom is very weird for me, as it seems most femdom stuff is still geared to be pleasing to the men. It’s rare you see a woman dominating to get what she wants out of something, it’s just fulfilling another male fantasy.

I know a couple where the male sub likes to be used as furniture and completely ignored by the woman. The woman does it, but actually finds it a bit boring. It’s always confused me, because surely if he’s a sub then that means he should want what SHE wants to do to him? Not this fucked up idea of how she’s supposed to treat him, just how he can please her.

When I read this I didn’t see anything particularly offensive about it, and liked hearing that a male dominant was embracing his love of being fucked. However, maymay brought this issue up:

I do want to point out that submission does not mean “he should want what SHE wants to do to him.” That may be a piece it for some people some of the time, but no one needs to make the mistake of believing submission is about sublimating a submissive person’s desires in favor of a dominant person’s, because then you’ve still just stolen the submissive person’s agency (regardless of their gender) by devaluing what they want and makes you more than a little bit of a stereotypical douche dom, and I won’t let anyone even remotely come close to doing that on a post that’s this good, like this one, without calling it out.

Tab then clarified what I assumed to be the case in the beginning:

You make a very good point, and I’m sorry if I came across that way. My story is a little close to home as I know the female partner really didn’t enjoy it, and being her friend I am very biased in her favour.

I personally find BDSM a time where both of you are trying to fulfil each others fantasies, so to have any sex where one person is uncomfortable is something I find distasteful. I get off on want- If someone doesn’t want me to do something or doesn’t want to do it to me I’m completely uninterested. I’m not in favour of sublimating a submissive person’s desire in favour of a doms, I’m in favour of everyone getting what they want, but never at the expense of the other person.

These comments bring up the important issue of how much a Dominant should be expected to respect the desires of their submissive. I am of the opinion that the submissive should not run the show, and this can easily become an issue between a female Dominant and male submissive because of the way the sexes are typically socialized. Dishevelled Domina expresses this sentiment well in her post, Power Exchange:

Guys, if your wife/girlfriend/roommate/landlady/boss/secretary/nurse/teacher, etc. etc. etc. is not dominating you the way you’ve seen it done in all those delightfully realistic porn movies, and then, one glorious day, you manage to talk her into dousing herself in baby powder and fighting her way into a tube of latex, or some other equally hideous getup that you’ve been fantasizing about, and then you have her spank you, assfuck you, and generally get you off exactly the way you pictured it, well,  ya know what?

You have all the power, and you are running the fuck. She is not dominating you.

If the supposed dominant is just doing everything that the supposed submissive wants and nothing more, I have trouble seeing how that could be considered domination. However, I do not think that we should then go to the other extreme and say that Dominants should not listen to their partners at all and should take no interest in their sexual fantasies and desires. In short, I think that one can be good, giving and game (GGG)…and still be Dominant. The concept of GGG was devised and popularized by Dan Savage who I highly recommend to any of my readers. As he summarizes,

GGG stands for “good, giving, and game,” which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think “good in bed,” “giving equal time and equal pleasure,” and “game for anything—within reason.”

Being Dominant doesn’t give you a get-out-of-GGG-free card. Let’s take anal sex as a personal example. My boyfriend loves penetrating women anally. When we got together, I had never experienced this before. My condition for previous, more vanilla, boyfriends had always been, “when you bend over and take something up your ass, I’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate”. This was not an empty statement in hopes to dissuade them from exploring my anus. I’ve wanted to fuck a guy up the ass since I was 18, and still a chastity-ring-wearing virgin. My fuck toy was more than willing to let me penetrate him once we became involved, and thus, I began considering returning the favor. We soon began experimenting with anal toys. At first it didn’t really do much for me, but was an interesting sensation that I was willing to keep on exploring for a bit. Then he put what I have dubbed ‘the Princess’ (see below) in me, and I started to see the light.

This toy was the beginning of my anal pleasure. With it, I discovered that I can   have g-spot orgasms through my ass; they are the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had. If I had let stubborn pride get in the way of sexual exploration, I would never have discovered this about myself. If I had felt like I couldn’t explore my submissive’s sexual interests just because they’re his, then I would have caused us both to miss out on experiences that increase our intimacy and bond. My sub now fucks me anally at my command. Luckily, his cock is just as good at stimulating my g-spot as this lovely toy. Being GGG pays off for everyone involved. However, if, after giving it a fair try (not just once), I was still not enjoying anal in the slightest, and found it painful and uncomfortable regardless of the implement used, then I would also have the right to cease doing that.

The next question is: would I have to stop fucking my sub up the ass if he really didn’t like it? Do I think that a submissive person’s desires should not be sublimated in favor of  Dom(me)’s? This is the trickier question in my mind. I enjoy my sub’s pain. I enjoy his distress. Furthermore, he enjoys it when I force him to do things that he does not enjoy. This gets into a rather confusing territory! Maymay does a good job of explaining this phenomena from the sub’s side.

I have raped FT before. This rape was consensual, but still not the same as the rape-play most people discuss where one person pretends not to want it while in reality they’re gagging for it. I have blanket consent to take FT when I want, where I want, and how I want, regardless of his desires in that moment. One day, I climbed on top of him and he asked me if he could go out for a cigarette. I said no. He said, “I’m seriously not in the mood, please let me go out for a cigarette”. I forced him down, sucked on his cock until it was hard enough for me to fuck, and then rode him until I was satisfied. He was a bit angry for a day or two, but in retrospect is hugely aroused  by this event (and secretly hopes it will happen again at some point). I don’t do this often, and would usually prefer that he want to do what I want to do. However, sometimes I just have an overwhelming urge to fuck him, will he, nil he, and then I plow forward. He consents to this, but will not always like it in the moment. It’s hard to make these kinds of judgements though. There’s a fine line between pushing just enough and pushing too far.

In conclusion, I think that both partners need to be GGG, but due to the nature of the relationship, the submissive will often be expected to be somewhat more GGG than the Dominant. In reality though, that statement is troublesome. The Dominant is fulfilling the submissive’s sexual desires by sublimating the submissive’s desires under the Dominant’s. FT gets off on doing whatever I want sexually even if he isn’t enjoying it in that moment. I shall call this the submissive paradox. Does it make him any less submissive because he’s getting his desires fulfilled in this way? No. It makes it a non-abusive relationship. Dom(me)s and subs exist symbiotically. They have different, but compatible, needs and wants that are fulfilled by each other. When this relationship ceases to be symbiotic – the Dom(me) stops listening to the sub altogether or the sub tries to have their way all the time – the balance is broken and the relationship ceases to be D/s.