Category Archives: 30 Days of Dominance

30 Days of Dominance Day 3: How do you know you’re dominant?

Soooo….I’ve been a bad blogger. It’s been over two months since my last post and I vowed to write once a month at least. Sometimes life gets in the way. This time, mostly in a good way. The only negative reason was that my computer was dying on me for awhile (but has now been restored). Positive reasons: meeting Edward’s family and having him meet mine, Edward moving back here and having more time because he was in between jobs (which meant more time with him, less with computer), picking out our first flat together, and now picking out all of our furniture inside of that flat. We now happily have a beautiful place that’s all our own (at least for 2 years) and have adopted and adorable pussy too. We’re looking forward to many kinky adventures in this place. To begin with, starting tonight he will be either chained to the bed or in chastity at all times. We will see how that one goes. And now, without further ado, Day 3 of 30 Days of Dominance.

How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

Everyone has the potential to be dominant. How you ‘know’ is whether you find yourself drawn to it, whether you think it would be fun. I’m not someone who always takes control, who always wants to be the leader, who always asserts themselves easily or knows what they want right away. But dominance appealed to me. The idea of hurting someone appealed to me. The idea of training someone to be deeply mine – to obey me, to love me, to desire my direction – appealed to me. The idea of submitting was not abhorrent to me; it would be devaluing my desired partners if it was. I’ve tried submitting more than once and have enjoyed my experiences. I would never rule out the idea that one day I may submit again, perhaps even in a deep and long-term way. However, right now, and throughout most of my experiences with BDSM and BDSM practitioners I was drawn to and enjoy dominance. That is all that makes me dominant; nothing more, nothing less.

Expressing my dominance, when I’m really in the moment, feels incredible. It’s a rush, a high. I feel aroused, sexy, powerful, sure of myself and of our relationship, very connected to Edward. I feel limitless and lucky: so grateful to have found someone willing and eager to obey who is compatible with me not only when I’m expressing my dominance, but also when I’m not. There’s also a hard edge. There’s a giddiness that can make me apathetic to Edward’s desires, which I have to constantly quell. We like pushing the boundaries, but I also always have to remain in control of my own actions. I can never fully give in to this dark force inside of me that wants to consume, devour, use, and destroy. So expressing my dominance feels like a controlled fervor. It rolls over me and I monitor it, telling it how far it can go and when to stop. Being be a good dominant means not only learning to control another, but also learning how to control yourself.

30 Days of Dominance Question 1: Does your Dominance have a label?

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I prefer an Owner/slave style, Dominant/submissive, or Top/bottom style depending on what context I’m in. I have my slave/fiance Edward, but we have an open relationship in which I’m free to play with others. I like topping and bottoming to other people sometimes, and might at some point have another Dominant/submissive relationship with someone else, but doubt I would ever have another slave. I enjoy both the novelty of playing with new people in public and the intimacy of playing with my well-used slave in private.

As far as labels themselves go, they can be useful, but also limiting. As I’ve discussed, ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ can be heavily loaded terms. ‘Dominant’ is taken to mean masculine, sadistic, assertive, penetrator, while ‘submissive’ is taken to mean feminine, masochistic, meek, and penetrated. When I say that I am Dominant and my slave’s Owner I mean that I give my slave orders and he follows them. This is true whether I order him to put his chastity device on, give me a massage, fuck me, bite me, cuddle with me, kneel before me, bring me my scalpel so I can carve my name into his chest, or cane me. We use labels, but do not let them dictate our relationship.