Advice for a vanilla woman whose boyfriend wants her to dominate him

I got this message a few days back, and figured that this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation, so I’m publishing our dialogue (with her consent). If anyone wants some advice I’m always happy to give it if I can, or point you towards some resources if I can’t. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call her Esmeralda.



I hope you don’t mind, but I was wondering if you could offer some advice? From the research I’ve done, I guess I’d define myself as straight-up Vanilla. Recently I’ve come into contact with a man who is into BDSM, and he mentioned wanting me to dominate him.

Now, I should be honest and admit I have no idea what that entails! He mentioned that he was not sadistic, and that he has previously always held the post of Master… I don’t know what he hopes I can provide, but the more I learn the more tempted I am. I am kind-hearted and docile by nature, and I don’t think I’d be able to hurt him.

I keep trying to find out more, but it’s so confusing. Is there a way to dominate him, without pain? I could do with like, non-violent acts, ropes and wax for instance, and I enjoy being a tease. I don’t think I could handle sodomy or excretions, some light spanking would be about as far as I would be willing to go. Based on his preferences, do you think this is enough? Is there a way to meet his needs without pushing my boundaries?

Hope to hear back! Loved your blog, it’s really been helpful in navigating this unfamiliar terrain…



Hello there,

There are certainly ways to dominate without too much pain. As you mentioned, bondage is one avenue. Light spankings and wax play are also things to try if you want to explore light pain. If you are going to try wax play, use a white unscented paraffin candle and try not to pool the wax in one place too much. Coloured, scented candles burn at a higher temperature and dripping multiple drops in the same place within a short span of time can lead to a more intense burning sensation. For more information on wax play go here.

Teasing is a great avenue if that’s one that you enjoy. Bondage + teasing can be a lot of fun. Sensation play is also a nice combination with bondage (and teasing too). Tying your boyfriend to a chair, blindfolding him and running scarves along his body, then a refrigerated butter knife (sounds strange, but it will feel sharp to him and you’ll know you can’t do any damage with it), then parts of your body/lips/tongue works well. If you feel comfortable you could also slap his inner thighs lightly or run your fingernails along him.

Another part of domination can be him serving you. You could make him clean, bring you drinks, make you breakfast, give you massages. However you and he like it. Is there something you would like for him to wear or some way that you’d like for him to prepare for sex that he’s not currently doing? Maybe you really like it when he wears a certain kind of underwear or think you might like it if he waxed his genitals. As part of our daily routine, Edward makes me breakfast each morning and puts on and takes of my shoes when we go out together. When he does so, he kisses my feet. These things are called rituals, and they tend to reinforce a feeling of you dominating him in a gentle way. He and I have a 24/7 dynamic you may not want, particularly when you’re just starting to explore. Perhaps you would like to have a pampering night where he bathes you, massages you, and gives you a pedicure (although it can take some work to teach a guy how to do this well!) or kisses your entire body, leaving no square inch unappreciated.

Chastity is another option for those who aren’t really interested in pain, but are fascinated by control. By controlling his orgasms he may become more attentive and more invested in your pleasure. Personally, I don’t like using a chastity device when I’m living with my boyfriend because I like having constant access to his cock, but I do like controlling his orgasms. The only downside is having to pause multiple times throughout penetrative vaginal sex because it will be harder for him to not orgasm the longer he goes without it. However, if, like many women, you actually prefer receiving oral sex to vaginal sex, then there’s not much of an issue. I love vaginal sex, but it can be fun to challenge yourself to be more creative. You can explore manual stimulation, sex toys, oral sex, etc.

Think about what, if any of this, interests you, and then have a conversation with him. If you want to look at how several different dominant women got into domination, and what aspects of it they like you can go here. See where your interests overlap. Not every guy who is into submitting is into pain or service or any other individual aspect of it, just as not every dominant is into pegging (i.e. a woman sodomizing a man). You also need to discuss when the domination will happen. Are you both ok with you just bossing him around at any given time or should it just be in the bedroom or at least in private? How often would you both like this to happen? Do you want vanilla sex most of the time with this thrown in once a month or something like that? Would that work for him too? And finally, don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re really not interested in. It’s good to try new things, but if you try it and you really don’t like it, you don’t have to keep doing it. Dominating someone should be something that gives you both pleasure: you in an immediate way, him in a maybe-not-this-moment-but-obeying-is-hot kind of way.

Hope that helps, and feel free to ask more!Kind regards,

P. S. Would you mind if I posted your question and my answer in my blog? I’d like people to know that they can ask questions if they like. I’d be happy to take your name out if that would make you more comfortable.

Hi Dev,Thanks so much for all your wonderful advice! This actually helped clear a lot of things up for me, and put me so much more at ease. In my mind, BDSM was that sort of stereotypical Mr. Slave from South Park image. I’m very happy to know that this isn’t exclusively the case. I guess what I realized is that it can actually be accommodated to suit more ‘normal’ relationships and even help to enhance them. A lot of what you mentioned sounds very appealing, and I’m actually getting a little turned on…

Sure, feel free! Thank you for all your help, I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Posted on July 28, 2012, in Advice, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Very good job, great description…just the act of reading it turns me on.
    But you forget a little detail, something that eveerybody cannot avoid it…DESIRE.
    Desire to possess his/her body, his/her mind, his/her soul.
    Some people could do it without love (a bit frustrating, I think), but without desire nobody can run the “show”.
    The technic is important, but for any subimissive to feel the waves of Desire coming from her/his Dominant is the focus of the “game”, the most beatiful sensation/sentiment that we can have.
    So my little advice for Esmeralda it will be let your Desires overwhelmel, conquer, submerge your man…and good luck!!!

    • I would agree, but sometimes you have to explore a little technique before you find out what you desire. Sometimes it’s hard to know what will turn you on until it’s happening. Reading erotica or just thinking through scenarios can work, but sometimes it’s not until it’s your boyfriend tied up in front of you that you know, “yes, this is what I desire”.

      • Yes, you are right, maybe I am too much romantic to undervalue the importance of the technique and to think that only the “wizard” of Desire is enough… Maybe it is the submissive on me that believe dominant women are “magic” humans being

  1. Pingback: FETISHWEEK – Using BDSM for Healing | Dirk Hooper Photography

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