Interviewed by Dishevelled Domina

I was recently interviewed by Dishevelled Domina (DD) for a series she’s doing on dominant women. Check them out!

Here is my interview for your reading pleasure:

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I actually consider myself to be a switch even though I’ve been a dominant for the last 5 years. Mostly I identify as a dominant and a sadomasochist. However, when I first started getting into BDSM (and had an inclination that I wanted to be a top) I had no idea where to start, lived in a very small town and happened to know a Dom who was not going to switch, so I subbed to him for awhile to see what it was like. I surprised myself by really enjoying the experience, but still felt like I would never want to be submissive all the time in a long term relationship. Since then I had one partner with whom I would switch on a scene to scene basis. When we broke up I decided I really wanted to explore how deep D/s could go, so I had a relationship (with FT) wherein we had a 24/7 dynamic. In my current relationship we’ve had a 24/7 power exchange thus far, but we’re actually in the process of switching. Both of us are feeling like we might want to let the other side of our sexuality come out to play for awhile (he’s a switch too). We’re figuring out how to do that in a satisfying way because we both really enjoy our current dynamic, and plan on returning to it eventually, but are curious about mixing things up.

To discuss a different facet of my sexuality, I am pansexual and like experimenting with gender. I enjoy crossdressing and like to make my subs crossdress. I like fucking and being fucked. I tend to go for somewhat feminine men and somewhat masculine women, and am attracted to transsexual and genderqueer people.

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

I discovered my interest in power exchange when I was cast as a dominatrix in a play at the age of 18. I had little inklings of it before then, but that’s when I began to realise that this was something that I really liked and wanted to do more of. When we blocked the scene in which I flogged my submissive until he fell down on the ground and then I dragged him up by his collar I suddenly found myself wanting to ask my scene partner out. Unfortunately he wasn’t a sub in real life, so that didn’t work out in the end. After that I started investigating more. I had an ex-girlfriend from high school who I knew was submissive, so I talked to her about it. I was single at the time, so I began looking for people who were also kinky, but mostly found male dominants at first (again, small town without a scene). After subbing for awhile I met up with the subby ex-girlfriend when we were back home at the same time and had my first scene as a top. I loved it and wanted more. I’m still exploring, and plan on doing so for the rest of my life.

• Compare your early sexual experiences to sex now. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

One thing I’ve learned is to listen to yourself and tell people what you want. Of course, to do that, you need to figure out what you want, and you have to get used to doing that rather quickly sometimes. As an example, I once had a threesome that ended up ruining an otherwise great relationship because it went further than I wanted it to and I didn’t stop it. I ended up feeling violated and it was my fault but I couldn’t help feeling negatively about my girlfriend for awhile, which happened to coincide with her moving an hour further away, so things just fizzled. Later I got into a threeway relationship where I told both partners exactly what I wanted out of the relationship, and got exactly that. It was a good feeling. These are just examples. I think that the idea of really listening to yourself and being honest about your emotions is important whether you’re a top or bottom, dom or sub. Everyone will be happier in the end.

• Are you currently involved with someone?

I am currently involved with my boyfriend Edward. Until recently, he’s been my 24/7 submissive. For a description of our daily routine and a bit about us in that respect go here.

We met at a munch. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was certainly lust at first sight. We met eyes across a crowded room. He was looking absolutely adorable in a corset, eyeliner and a suit. I wanted him instantly, and the feeling was mutual. I whipped him that evening with his dragon tail (we have a rather playful munch) and we exchanged numbers. FT and I were still together then and were going through a monogamous month before we were meeting up for a month (as we were in a long distance relationship), so nothing happened after that for at least 2 months. When I was back and FT and I were free to see others again, we went out and had a fantastic time. We ate oysters, drank champagne, I put him in a straightjacket, he went down on me on the roof. Just a typical date.  :p

Things progressed from there and have been pretty ideal. He loves serving me. I love being served. However, we’re both switches and recently we’ve both been feeling like we might like to experience the other side of things, so we’re trying that for a month to see how it goes.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

I think that embracing sexual dominance when it appeals to you can be very empowering, but I certainly don’t think you have to be a femdom to be a feminist on the scene. Embracing whatever arouses you and being sexually fulfilled is, to me, a feminist thing, but you can do that as a sub too. However, I have used female domination as a thought experiment for myself too. What if I could control another person’s entire life (finances, career, etc.)? What if I could be the breadwinner and he could be the stay-at-home dad? These thoughts appeal to me. But they’re no more feminist (or even dominant) than, “I really love kids and I’m going to stay at home and take care of mine because that’s what I want to do”.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

To be honest it’s made me reluctant to take the lead initially unless I know that it’s someone who will respond favorably to that. I’ve had more than one experience wherein I’ve been slut shamed for having a little initiative. Obviously that tells you that that’s someone you shouldn’t sleep with again, but it’s hurtful. I used to have overly romantic notions of even kissing where I felt like it should always just happen and not be sought out. When I was 13 I remember really wanting to drag my boyfriend into a secluded stairwell to pin him up against a wall and make out with him for ages, but I felt like that wasn’t something that good girls do. Luckily I’ve mostly grown out of that, but I can’t say that it doesn’t impact me at all even now.

• How well do you feel your tastes and your sexuality is represented in the erotica available today and does that matter to you?

I don’t feel like my tastes and sexuality are represented very well in the erotica available today. Luckily, queer porn is popping up and that is nice to see. However, mostly I have to find amateur porn in order to see anything I really like, and it tends to be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Part of this is just because commercial sex isn’t as fun to watch as sex between two people who have sex with each other often. But also I don’t like that women usually have to get all dressed up to dom while men don’t in most porn. And I’d like to see more MMF threesomes in porn with two actually bisexual men.

• Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]? If so, how is that experience for you?

I am involved in the local BDSM community and have been involved with similar communities in other locations and online communities. The experience for me is decent. I live in a conservative country at the moment, so meeting kinky people provides, if nothing else, some people as friends who are a bit more open minded. I sometimes feel like public events can be overly performative, but I appreciate having a space where what I do is normal.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

I wouldn’t say that being dominant per se energizes me, but I like being my own boss. I don’t necessarily relish being anyone’s superior, but I don’t like being bossed around. In teams I tend to take the lead, particularly if no one else is.

• Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

I would say quality time and physical touch is important to me. I like to have interactions where we’re giving each other our full attention, or shared activities like bike-riding and movie-watching. And then touch is very important. I’m back in a long-distance relationship once again now, and holding and being held whilst sleeping is definitely one of the things I miss most.