Call me Sir

I have been grappling with gender for awhile now. You’ve caught glimpses of it, but I want to address it straight on. I don’t know what to call myself, and am ok with that for now. I sometimes feel like a gay man in a woman’s body, except that I love women and my womanly body too. I’m mostly ok with being female. I’ve always loved my breasts and have been developing a love of my cunt since I was 16 or so. However, I also often wish I could have a cock. I fuck men in the ass with strap-ons and wish it was more me. But it’s more than that.

When I was little I wanted to be Zorro and Robin Hood. Daring, handsome, an excellent swordsman. When I was 15 and realised I was in love with a woman, along with that came this relief that I didn’t have to be so feminine anymore. I started experimenting with the way I dressed (which caused my father to say to me that I should be careful, he wouldn’t want people getting the impression that I was a dyke). I enjoyed taking an active role in seducing my girlfriend, when I had been taught that I should be passive and coy. I was cast as a man in a few plays in school and enjoyed taking full advantage of the costume closet and stage makeup to transform myself.

When I’ve dated men, I’ve always used my bisexuality as an excuse to be gallant, buy them flowers, lead them around by the small of their backs. They’ve always humoured me at least. I’ve always been drawn to feminine men and all sorts of women. I’ve realised that pansexual might be a better descriptor for me as it more fully encompasses the spectrum of people to whom I’m attracted.

Recently I’ve been shedding my gender. It’s something I don’t see much use for. It doesn’t define who I am, what I like, who I’m attracted to. I don’t want to let it dictate how I dominate. There are certain labels I am comfortable identifying with: sadist, masochist, top, bottom, dominant. Female? Genderqueer? Transvestite? Drag king? Not so sure. This causes problems when it comes to honorifics. Some people avoid them generally, but I like them within the context of a relationship (i. e. I don’t think everyone should address me with an honorific just because I am dom, hear me roar). For awhile I went with the standard Mistress, but it never felt quite right.

Then I tried Sir, and it just hit the spot. It evokes the same feelings of power and possession, but also feels like a caress at some deep secret part of me that’s been aching to get out for quite some time. Once on a plane a male flight attendant called me Sir at first and then corrected himself. It made my trip much better. I don’t feel that people are wrong when they address me with female pronouns, but I thoroughly enjoy it when I am read as male.

This is no declaration of my new identity, just a statement of where I am. I will continue to play with gender and see where it takes me. I will dress up as a man and as a woman. I will dress my lovers in stockings, lace, shirts, suspenders, hats, argyle socks. I will be the penetrator and the penetrated. I will look down at my cock and wish it had nerve endings. I will look at myself in the mirror and think I’m beautiful just the way I am.

Posted on October 19, 2011, in navel gazing, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I love this post and identify with most of it.

    If I had to be called by a title during a scene, I would tentatively choose “teacher.” It’s gender neutral (which suits my genderqueerness) and connotes a relationship both hierarchical and nurturing (which suits my style of domination).

    “Sir” does have a lovely ring to it, though. I can see why you’d like it!

    • Yeah, I really struggled to find a title I was comfortable with. I would have liked a gender-neutral one, but there just aren’t many. I thought about something like teacher, or perhaps seon-saeng-nim, which means teacher in Korean, but is also used as a respectful title. However, I teach (people who aren’t my sexual partners), so it seemed a bit strange to me.

      I wasn’t sure I would be comfortable with Sir at first because I don’t like the idea that I have to become more masculine in order to be more dominant. However, in the end I decided that adopting that title doesn’t have to mean that. It’s just something I feel comfortable with. It feels more like me than Mistress does.

      • Despite the fact that I relate to your post to an absurd degree — I too love to feel gallant and dashing in the way of Zorro and Robin Hood! I too love to buy boys flowers! I too hate to be restricted by gender — I think that last paragraph is why I’m not sure I could adopt Sir myself. I would love to be called Sir, but it’s odd: I feel most femme when I’m dominant, and I honestly think I’d prefer to be spoken of as Lady. This is one of the rare occasions where I’m not ambivalent about being referred to as a woman, though I also like to feel androgynous while dominant.

        I’m not sure why this is the case. I’ve encountered too many femdom naysayers and am being stubborn about it, perhaps. Socialization and sexual preferences are so hard to tell apart sometimes.

      • If Lady works for you, then go for it! I know what you mean. When I am dancing at a club for example I don’t like feeling masculine because I like and am good at the dance moves that are usually associated with females. In that instance I feel very femme. But for me I am dominant with my boy 24/7, so something overly just wouldn’t feel right. Occasionally I do femme up and that still feels like me, but it also still feels natural for him to call me sir then. *shrugs* To each their own!

  2. dishevelleddomina

    I totally hear you on this, and identify with some what you are saying.

    At times I’ve really wrestled with gender stuff, particularly (I think) because my childhood featured such old-fashioned ideas regarding femininity, virtually guaranteeing that I would feel excluded from their definition of what it is to be a woman. On the other hand, I didn’t want to be a man, and I was very INTO men sexually, so I never wondered at all about my orientation, I just knew I was only ever going to be comfortable outside their defined roles..

    Figuring out where I was comfortable took some doing. I am comfortable with ma’am now, but only barely, and sir doesn’t really strike the right cord for me internally.
    There are so many contradictory elements dealing with gender and power exchange preference. Congrats on figuring out somethings that work for you!

    • Yeah, my childhood also featured pretty traditional notions of femininity since I grew up in the church and my mom stayed at home with us and was quite subservient to my dad. Having precocious puberty really threw me through a loop. I had boobs and grew 6 inches in as many months when I was 8, started my period at 10, and had intense crushes on boys from a very young age. I was at once uber feminine and unfeminine. I was a head taller than everyone else, stronger than everyone else, and more into romance than everyone else my age. I got accustomed to often making the first move and being rejected. I had the body of a woman when my peers were interested in girls. I don’t know if that’s what made me dominant, but it was certainly the beginning of my acceptance that I wasn’t going to be like everyone else, and that was ok.

      Sir just works for me. I’m happy that you’ve found something that works for you too (even if only barely). I just like being debonair and gentlemanly, and sir captures that for me.

  3. Thank you for sharing your journey here. I find a lot to relate to, which is helpful since I’ve often felt very abnormal as a woman with dommy tendencies who, for a long time, didn’t realize what they were exactly. I just knew I wanted things that were in opposition to what I was supposed to want. For instance, I really get the gallantry aspect of things you mention! I want to hold doors for the (largely effeminate) men I find attractive, guide them with my hand in the small of their back (guh so much), etc. — I once cosplayed as a ’40s male private detective and it felt *so fine* to be dressed up smart and engage in faux cocky repartee in character. But, for me, it felt fine because I was doing it with my breasts and hips in those clothes — I want to fuck gender until it’s a sweaty mess, but I really love my anatomy and identify it as female. Though fucking a man with a dick that had nerves connected to my brain would certainly be fun… lol Oh for Polyjuice potions! But there are plenty of women who have dicks, so I don’t see wanting to play with having one as meaning much about who I am inside.

    • I’m glad you relate. 🙂 All sorts of genderfuckery turns me on. I like the idea of being able to pass, but also love my female body. I love my boy’s male body, but also love that he enjoys a bit of fabulousness and occasionally drag. I like that we’re on the same page where we can take a little from column a and a little from column b. Mix and match as it feels right!

  4. I like yours words, they remember me an ancient male lover, quite dominant, that I use call him “Madame”…
    We had a very short relation, but I have learnt a lot about me, love and life…I think it is important to play with identity, to go out and in of them…not be trapped…human being is more large then the name we give to it/her/him
    P.s. Sorry for my english, it is the first time I do a comment in this language

    • Your English is perfectly understandable. Welcome to my blog. Yes, labels can be useful things, but it’s easy to become limited by them. Relaxing ideas about what’s ‘right’ for one sex or the other or that there even has to be two distinct sexes allows room for new identities and exciting play.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: