Call me Sir
I have been grappling with gender for awhile now. You’ve caught glimpses of it, but I want to address it straight on. I don’t know what to call myself, and am ok with that for now. I sometimes feel like a gay man in a woman’s body, except that I love women and my womanly body too. I’m mostly ok with being female. I’ve always loved my breasts and have been developing a love of my cunt since I was 16 or so. However, I also often wish I could have a cock. I fuck men in the ass with strap-ons and wish it was more me. But it’s more than that.
When I was little I wanted to be Zorro and Robin Hood. Daring, handsome, an excellent swordsman. When I was 15 and realised I was in love with a woman, along with that came this relief that I didn’t have to be so feminine anymore. I started experimenting with the way I dressed (which caused my father to say to me that I should be careful, he wouldn’t want people getting the impression that I was a dyke). I enjoyed taking an active role in seducing my girlfriend, when I had been taught that I should be passive and coy. I was cast as a man in a few plays in school and enjoyed taking full advantage of the costume closet and stage makeup to transform myself.
When I’ve dated men, I’ve always used my bisexuality as an excuse to be gallant, buy them flowers, lead them around by the small of their backs. They’ve always humoured me at least. I’ve always been drawn to feminine men and all sorts of women. I’ve realised that pansexual might be a better descriptor for me as it more fully encompasses the spectrum of people to whom I’m attracted.
Recently I’ve been shedding my gender. It’s something I don’t see much use for. It doesn’t define who I am, what I like, who I’m attracted to. I don’t want to let it dictate how I dominate. There are certain labels I am comfortable identifying with: sadist, masochist, top, bottom, dominant. Female? Genderqueer? Transvestite? Drag king? Not so sure. This causes problems when it comes to honorifics. Some people avoid them generally, but I like them within the context of a relationship (i. e. I don’t think everyone should address me with an honorific just because I am dom, hear me roar). For awhile I went with the standard Mistress, but it never felt quite right.
Then I tried Sir, and it just hit the spot. It evokes the same feelings of power and possession, but also feels like a caress at some deep secret part of me that’s been aching to get out for quite some time. Once on a plane a male flight attendant called me Sir at first and then corrected himself. It made my trip much better. I don’t feel that people are wrong when they address me with female pronouns, but I thoroughly enjoy it when I am read as male.
This is no declaration of my new identity, just a statement of where I am. I will continue to play with gender and see where it takes me. I will dress up as a man and as a woman. I will dress my lovers in stockings, lace, shirts, suspenders, hats, argyle socks. I will be the penetrator and the penetrated. I will look down at my cock and wish it had nerve endings. I will look at myself in the mirror and think I’m beautiful just the way I am.