Interview with my submissive

Dishevelled Domina had a cunning plan to interview male submissives to get their voices and opinions out there. I thought it would be a good idea to share a similar interview with my own submissive, so here it is:

1) How would you describe yourself and your kinks?

I would describe myself sexually as a queer kinky poly switch: Very clearly into totally committing myself to binary sexual identities. Personality wise, kind of a recovering cynic and lapsing idealist. In a nutshell, I’m an atheist, pretty left wing economically and socially liberal. My thinking could be described as quite logic orientated. However, I love and thrive in the grey uncertain areas of life. As a result I get rather exacerbated by many peoples ill-thought-out opinions. Expanding on my kinks, I think they can be boiled down to just being power exchange and expressions of power exchange. Without the power exchange, the individual acts of kink hold little appeal to me. I guess you’re more concerned about my kinks as a submissive than a dominant. So, I’ll expand on the ‘just about power exchange’ theme.

Objectification: By this I don’t mean forced to be a coffee table or footstool(yawn). I mean viewed intensely in that moment as an object that exists solely for the gratification of my partner. It’s a big kink of mine to be a conduit for the realisation of my partner’s satisfaction. So much can fit under this umbrella: From being a fucktoy to being erudite and entertaining.

Humiliation/degradation: By this I don’t mean called names like ‘worthless’, ‘worm’ or insulted in general. I mean being subjected to or performing acts that are degrading/humiliating for my partner’s pleasure. Watersports is a good example.

I’m masochistic, in that I enjoy the sub-space pain provides and knowing it’s turning her on.

I like to keep my kinks as broad as possible, so as not to get fixated on fetishising any one particular act or thing. One of the things that really bugs me about ‘the scene’ is the sheer number of people who fixate on one aspect of BDSM. Whether it’s feet or getting fucked in the arse with a strap on. It kinda ruins submission as a social identity for me. I mean, fetishism is all fine and well. Just don’t call it submission, it’s not. It’s only submission if you’re submitting to the person’s desires, not your own. For me to get kinky kicks, it very much needs to be psychological/emotional and within an ongoing intimate D/s dynamic. I mean, I get turned on being told to do the dishes sometimes, if it’s within a good power exchange dynamic. So, the same can be said for pretty much anything more overtly kinky.

2) How did you discover your submissive tendencies?

I guess I have always had sexual fantasies that revolved around stereotypically submissive acts. I’m not so sure they relate to submissive tendencies within a relationship though. For me, that discovery comes up within one of my earliest long term relationships. As I gained the confidence to introduce and explore more of my sexual fantasies in the relationship. It eventually grew to feeling submissive to her outside the bedroom and wanting her to control me and our lives more. To be trite, it was a different way of lovin’. It just felt right, very confusing, very hard to reconcile with my personality and at that time current relationship. However, a very powerful, just right. So, I think that’s the point I realised this was more than a few disconnected sexual fantasies. More like the way I expressed love and devotion. I realised I clearly needed the freedom, acceptance and encouragement to be the submissive partner, if I wanted to be happy within a long term loving relationship. I was around 20 when I had the deeper realisation. Whereas, all throughout my teens, I had known what turned me on. In saying all of that, a discovery and realisation is far from acceptance. That relationship ended after a couple of years in, and shortly after this realisation. Which, at the time, I took as a rejection of my submissive tendencies and desires. It would be quite a few years before I seriously started to explore that part of myself again. In fact, it’s relatively recently and with Dev’s guidance that I’ve been able to view my submission as attractive and a positive addition to a healthy LTR. In short, to have pride in it.

3) How do you see kinks fitting into dating/life partnership?

Kinks are something to be enjoyed by both people. Her enjoyment comes first. However, I want to enjoy stuff too. I’m not a martyr, I’m her submissive. Ultimately, kink fits into life for me through an acknowledgement and development of a journey to grow power exchange. The journey’s focus should be on growing, deepening and nurturing a 24/7 D/s dynamic. It’s pretty much a journey, it has its ups and downs and its conflict. So, in saying all of that, kink should fit into the relationship, and not the other way around. I view it like a kind of relationship hierarchy of needs. With power exchange only really being possible with a really solid foundation of everything you would expect for a healthy relationship: Love, communication, trust, respect, intimacy. All that happy jazz. In terms of dating or short term partners, I find it takes a very special connection to bring out my submissive side. It rarely happens. Casual play with me as the bottom holds absolutely no appeal. However, I quite happily have tertiary relationships with female submissives. That seems like it hints at some deeper madonna whore complex going on in my sexuality or view of women. It couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve had many loving relationships with female subs.

4) ‘Describe your D/s relationship thus far and where you see it going in the future

Thus far it’s been totally, totally hard for me. This is actually my first long term relationship where I’m expected to be the submissive partner. I’ve got to say, I found it way easier to be the dominant partner in my last few relationships. It has kinda been a trial by fire for me. Saying that, it’s also been magically awesome and incredibly powerfully intimate. The difficulty just comes from me being used to an entitled position. So, I think I’ve had to go through some periods of psychological reactance in order to adjust. So far it’s been a wonderful journey of personal growth and challenge for me. I would say the same for her too. I just wouldn’t presume to speak for her. This is the first time she has embarked on a 24/7 D/s relationship too. It’s been a huge learning experience. It has been rather chaotic with lots of international travel since August last year. Ultimately, I hope for a stable living together situation. In terms of D/s we hope to progress to a more ownership and possession style relationship, with her having full control over everything to do with our lives. We envision a kind of reversed traditional marriage in the long term.

5) What are your thoughts on porn, sexting, etc.

Porn? I’m very relaxed about porn. Although, I do find it difficult to find stuff that turns my crank. All the stereotypical femdom stuff leaves me pretty cold. Unless I somehow just use it as inspiration and fantasise about my partner and I doing something that’s going on in it. However, what’s the point? I can do that without porn. The stuff that does turn my crank is usually amateur porn. I have a major authenticity fetish. If I get a whiff of people doing it for reasons other than them enjoying it, it kills my arousal. The flip-side of that being if they’re clearly authentically into it, it’s pretty hot.

Sexting? I like sending and receiving dirty messages. Whatever people sext is their business. With regards to the recent Weiner scandal thing. I don’t see what the fuss is about. It’s between him and his wife. He should have just said ‘yes, it’s my penis. I flirt with people. Big deal.’

6) You are part of the online kink community. What has been your experience of it? Supportive, informative? Mostly good? Mostly bad?

My experience of the online kink community is not great. I don’t particularly like its cultural values. A large part of it just seems to be heteronormative values transposed onto kink. Not a very welcome place for male submissives or anyone else who doesn’t fit into that narrative. It’s certainly not the liberal, open minded and welcoming place it appears to be. However, in terms of practical technical advice and using it as a resource to get to events etc. It does that well. In terms of emotional support, or people struggling with D/s issues or identity issues. It fails, and fails hard.

In saying that, the ‘real life scene’ is a bit less polluted with unrealistic nonsense. I go out to events and sometimes have fun. I just think in general, it could do with far more diversity and less role identity assumptions. I’ve been to many, many events. From the highest end femdom clubs to the smallest of mixed orientation play clubs. Both as a dominant partner and as a submissive partner. I have to say, it’s far easier socially if you identify as a male dominant than as a male submissive. The hierarchy of roles is quite striking from my point of view. I don’t think it should be this way, at all.

7) You are a switch. How does your attraction to different partners work? Do you feel submissive to some and dominant to others?

My attraction to different partners is based on chemistry. I do feel Dominant to some and actually pretty rarely submissive to others. I can feel dominant towards someone without necessarily having deep feelings of intimacy for them. However, I can’t muster any meaningful submission without being hopelessly in love with someone(I can behave submissively, just not feel it deeply). That isn’t to say I have never been in love with a submissive. I have, and probably will again. I just find my submission to be a more comfortable way to express love within a long term relationship. In fact, I’ve been in a long term relationship with a switch. That started off with me pretty much as dominant, but when the love grew the power exchange shifted and I ended up being more submissive.

Posted on June 27, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I mean, I get turned on being told to do the dishes sometimes, if it’s within a good power exchange dynamic.

    Do you (or your partner) have to acknowledge that the dynamic is “on” for some particular act or situation? IOW, if she asked you to do the dishes on Tuesday afternoon with no other context, would the power exchange be there?

  2. dishevelleddomina

    So, in saying all of that, kink should fit into the relationship, and not the other way around. I view it like a kind of relationship hierarchy of needs. With power exchange only really being possible with a really solid foundation of everything you would expect for a healthy relationship: Love, communication, trust, respect, intimacy. All that happy jazz.

    Oh yes, very good point.

    I am finding it fascinating to read how submission fits into each guy’s experience differently.
    So glad you did this Dev, and Dev’s guy.

    Love it!

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