On kinky spaces

It is sometimes difficult to get into the right frame of mind to play. This can be for any number of factors, but recently for me it’s been because of the fact that I’m currently living in someone’s living room. It’s hard to feel completely in control of a situation when you don’t feel in control of the space. I know that subs sometimes struggle with this too. My sub (who we will call Frank Thomas a.k.a. fuck toy a.k.a. FT from now on) has difficulty letting his guard down and slipping into sub space when he knows that non-kinky people will be able to hear his moans of pain and/or pleasure. I have a bit of trouble when it doesn’t quite feel like my turf. Has anyone else experienced this territorality?

Somehow this does not apply to clubs. I can play away at parties and clubs and slip rather easily into that feeling of euphoric sadism. The public and shared aspect in that instance helps as I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. But somehow, here in private, it can be difficult sometimes when it feels unsettled, not quite my own, not quite home.

I know some people find that the kink begins to disappear from their lives when they have kids, and perhaps this is a somewhat similar phenomenon. When your bedroom starts to also be your baby room, the place where you nurture your children, it might become harder to slip into deviance in the same place.

So what’s a dominant to do? I now have my own cabinet space and rules in place with the flatmate, so that definitely helps. There are three cabinets devoted to sex toys – anal, vaginal, and restraints/hurty things. The play is coming back. I tried out the anal hook for the first time last night. Beautiful! I look forward to exploring new ways to use it, possibly some fun predicament bondage in the future.

So what makes a space kinky? What are the necessary and sufficient conditions that allow you to slip into that headspace, whether dom or sub? Obviously one is safety. And I think this extends to emotional safety too. It helps to not feel like you’re going to be walked in on at any moment and that you can ensure the emotional safety of your sub too. It’s hard to expect someone to be totally vulnerable when everything feels a little unstable.

I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this. What spaces allow you to space?

Posted on February 27, 2011, in dominant, spaces, submissive and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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